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peep the "elite", this is why i aint a newb
Fuck it, here's a story fopr y'all
This kid carlos lonely in the streets, boney and all weak.. family’s missin’ He’s savegery’s victim, gets adopted.. by a daddy with millions; A low sperm-count and burnt-out but atleast he’s glad to be with him Spent 50 grand-on-a-trip-then.. hopped in the car when it was over But only half of him was sober.. pops-crashed n dropped-fast leavin carlos in a coma Life’s harder when ya loner.. speakin-of-that, a weekend-had-past, carlos still sleepin Just a lil weaklin’.. he awakes a month later scopin for pops to spill feelins.. He fa real-needs-him, wait.. he could not-hear-a-sound, a hospital with no doctors around he pulled the tubes from off-of-his-mouth.. thinking, “how can u be lost when ya found” He needs questions-asked, try’s to step but his legs-collapsed, but finds him a wheelchair Askin “am I blind or is nil here”.. don’t wanna roll so climbs on a steel pair(crutches) Switch up.. to when he leaves the hospital Nobodys there, he’s all alone-and-he’s-scared.. the clouds gather in heaps Rain drops crash at his feet, he’s coughing in spasms to breath And those actions repeat.. til his robe is drenched, lightening strobes in reps The wind howling blow-wing death.. the whole globes been messed He has NO defence.. standing on his last two……………..bro-ken legs his soul collapses with his body as his arms get weak, and the drama heats as the winds screams turn to cries from the martyr’d peeps who want his heart for meat, but carlos’s is so hard to beat the devil rose, showin carlos his family with severed throats he would have never known, that he was a sheep under the shepards nose he climbed the buildings and jumped.. trying to be dead but rose attempts slicing his hands from his wrists.. “damn it just clicked… this here is hell, and I’m trapped in this shit, I saw many signs” how the fuck could carlos kill himself when he already died? this is like the deepest shit I wrote, beyond punchlines and that bull shit. seriously read IN to this piece, if it don’t make sense then read it over n over, if it still don’t make sense then ask me.. aiight? |
nice nice nice blueprint, good to hear that more and more uk people are getting into hip hop, i can see the u got skill, but try to be more creative, like make me think nxt time u drop, sorta like:
Quote:
that line was good, feeling the flow and vocab in dat. question: i never seen an open mic which expresses something happy lol nice drop and keep elavating |
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up with u
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what can i say, other than this is extremely dope. I read it less as a song and more as a poem or spoken word piece. The imagery was there the wordplay and flow was nice. The topic is what really shines I like how your story was consistent all the way through the piece you didn't stray for a minute. Now the intro was a little weak and seemed to be..........well........muddled is a good word but other than that you had this on lock good shit man!
Nobodys there, he’s all alone-and-he’s-scared.. the clouds gather in heaps Rain drops crash at his feet, he’s coughing in spasms to breath And those actions repeat.. -the vocab in this is nice you also took a little poetic license changing the way the word is said i like that. Spent 50 grand-on-a-trip-then.. hopped in the car when it was over But only half of him was sober.. pops-crashed n dropped-fast leavin carlos in a coma Life’s harder when ya loner.. -drinking and driving tsk tsk. very poignant you showed both cause and effect in here. attempts slicing his hands from his wrists.. “damn it just clicked… this here is hell, and I’m trapped in this shit, I saw many signs” how the fuck could carlos kill himself when he already died? the last line is the best line it also closed off the piece beautifully, the story was an excellent one. Thank you for the experience. |
yo, I was really feelin' the flow, story stayed on topic... nice read, it's for sure one of the better topicals I read here b4.. so no you ain't a newbie.. .lol... stay up man.. peace
DO YOU DO AUDIO? if you do PM me... yo, peep my shit http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...&threadid=73046 |
thanks for the feedback guys
much appreciated |
so.....this is why u been sweatin me to read this shit?........couldn't
come up wit something better than carlos...i didn't even have to read all of it to see it was just another wack verse......blah blah blah carlos....wheres ur hook?......3/10....for the attempt......stay off my nuts by the way......ghost |
lmao...c'mon man.
its obviously over ur head. atleast i can use n rhyme more than two syllables. 3/10? hahahhhaahah...wheres the hook? wtf? why u need a hook for? lol. i got 3/10 cus u DIDNT read it, cus theres no hook.. and generally cus i proved ur rode n wack. motherfuckin idiots eh... too fuckin punani to even battle me. lol |
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