S.S-Closing time
 

getting slept on in there......critique away!!!



started out a brain plan, set out in order by a mind child.
seeding thought where the grain land, bloomed into denial.
Groomed to defy all, fitted to despise all and tailored for failure.
looked upon as a saviour but my genius could just savour her.
flavor her vanilla cream, to quench the evil screams in hells creek.
Failed to speak but this week I caught a wiff as she streaked.
made my heart weak off beat...her walk throws me back a snare.
the fact we shared same level floor made the quemistry not rare.
I knew it was there,. at night I danced a ballad witt her glanses.
advances were inproper for riping full growing romances.
the fact is,.. she sits for hours for a great conversation she devours.
Towers of flowers washed ashore as this beautiful rose showers.
this great love is ours said a man once with imagination so pure.
till one day my sickness grew old and my infactuation was cured.
together at last its for the better as we passed with hands clenched.
I took the biggest wrench in my sleep and woke with my pants drenched.
whats this?. what have I done?. her body lay sumerged in a tub.
who would have thought a pure fantasy would have emerged into love.
but no i wont sob...She finished fine,. blanket on her going to sleep mine.
opportunity gave me a door and i went in and now its closing time...........




A man was found dead of a gun shot wound to the head. It was an
apparent suicide. It was apparent the victim had received a wound to the head from a wrench which lay at the victims side. He then bathed her in flowers before commiting suicide himself..........

it sounds kind of feminine, but some people like that. Very good work overall though

up

I liked it actually, thought it was pretty decent, ok take on the topic, not the most original but it was decent, flow was a little choppy in a couple places, a few lines were felt, others needed wording a little better for impact e.g:

^ . . could of been dope but you kept referring to her in 3rd person, and that got a bit awry for me, all in all not a bad piece tough mayne, needed more internals and multi's actually to spice it up, but for whats there it was decent.

Dont hate. Its honest opinion and telling you how to improve, nothing personal.