RapVerse.com Community
 Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End RV Radio  

Go Back   RapVerse.com Community > Fresh From The Lab > Textual Releases
User Name
Password
FAQ Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 10-05-03, 08:33 PM   #1
K.Largo
ShO-Nuff. Fuckers
 
K.Largo's Avatar
 
Posts: 1,263
Joined: Mar 2003
From: Finland
Status: Offline
Text Record: 29-9
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
S.S-Closing time

IP: 6236 079F

getting slept on in there......critique away!!!



started out a brain plan, set out in order by a mind child.
seeding thought where the grain land, bloomed into denial.
Groomed to defy all, fitted to despise all and tailored for failure.
looked upon as a saviour but my genius could just savour her.
flavor her vanilla cream, to quench the evil screams in hells creek.
Failed to speak but this week I caught a wiff as she streaked.
made my heart weak off beat...her walk throws me back a snare.
the fact we shared same level floor made the quemistry not rare.
I knew it was there,. at night I danced a ballad witt her glanses.
advances were inproper for riping full growing romances.
the fact is,.. she sits for hours for a great conversation she devours.
Towers of flowers washed ashore as this beautiful rose showers.
this great love is ours said a man once with imagination so pure.
till one day my sickness grew old and my infactuation was cured.
together at last its for the better as we passed with hands clenched.
I took the biggest wrench in my sleep and woke with my pants drenched.
whats this?. what have I done?. her body lay sumerged in a tub.
who would have thought a pure fantasy would have emerged into love.
but no i wont sob...She finished fine,. blanket on her going to sleep mine.
opportunity gave me a door and i went in and now its closing time...........




A man was found dead of a gun shot wound to the head. It was an
apparent suicide. It was apparent the victim had received a wound to the head from a wrench which lay at the victims side. He then bathed her in flowers before commiting suicide himself..........
__________________
MerK SquAd.

<center><img src=http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=8889&stc=1></center>
Send a message via AIM to K.Largo Send a message via Yahoo to K.Largo   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-03, 08:46 PM   #2
Kwik
Banned
 
Posts: 49
Joined: Oct 2003
Status: Offline
Text Record: 0-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 0102 2C99

it sounds kind of feminine, but some people like that. Very good work overall though
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-06-03, 06:47 AM   #3
K.Largo
ShO-Nuff. Fuckers
 
K.Largo's Avatar
 
Posts: 1,263
Joined: Mar 2003
From: Finland
Status: Offline
Text Record: 29-9
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 399E F0FD

up
__________________
MerK SquAd.

<center><img src=http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=8889&stc=1></center>
Send a message via AIM to K.Largo Send a message via Yahoo to K.Largo   Reply With Quote
Old 10-06-03, 07:47 AM   #4
Baron Mynd
Banned: Spamming
 
Baron Mynd's Avatar
 
Posts: 4,021
Joined: Oct 2002
From: England
Status: Offline
Text Record: 4-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: DF45 9C15

I liked it actually, thought it was pretty decent, ok take on the topic, not the most original but it was decent, flow was a little choppy in a couple places, a few lines were felt, others needed wording a little better for impact e.g:
Quote:
the fact is,.. she sits for hours for a great conversation she devours.
Towers of flowers washed ashore as this beautiful rose showers.

^ . . could of been dope but you kept referring to her in 3rd person, and that got a bit awry for me, all in all not a bad piece tough mayne, needed more internals and multi's actually to spice it up, but for whats there it was decent.

Dont hate. Its honest opinion and telling you how to improve, nothing personal.
__________________
W o r d P e r f e c t




^This is your IP bitch!
Send a message via AIM to Baron Mynd   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:33 PM.

Powered by vBulletin.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.