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[Naomi.]
Heres a story.. Sit down people..
Naomi wasn't the type To be lonely on a Night Where guys Sprawled the Streets Weak kneed and Crawled to Teeth Like they Brawled to Beat She Hauled to Meet The men that would get in The Sack She didn't even care if they Were Fat As soon as they Heard That From Naomi Speaking her Mind Guys asked'Can We' She replied 'I don't mind you Leaking in Mine' Then they were.. Seeking to Find A place they could be Seeing Defined body Then after a short time They fought signs along the Lobby The guests started getting Gobby Saying 'You two get a room' Naomi Replied 'I don't give a fuck what we do' She'd got it Back to Front After he. . Asked her to Lunch 'But its not even midnight and We've only did it once' He aksed 'What about a Brunch' 'Come on you Cunt. . Lets Fuck' So they went in the Room to Play He Prayed. that her Womb Layed With a New Day After he fell asleep.. She felt bleak So she got up and left to the next He could Protect.. her but her step Out of that door assured no more His love for her.. Yet it was a One Night Stand It drags-on and she was gone So there Stands One Knight |
uhhh...
it wouldv'e been tight if the rhyming didn't seem to be forced good point of view on the topic overall it needs a lil work and better vocab keep postin tho............................ |
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you need some vocab improvements, and try to have some better imagery... also your lines were a bit too short... however, stories are harder to do than normal stuff, and u did use multies so i'll give you
7.5/10... it was pretty good, keep writing |
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i would say you need to work on yo wordplay for real dogg, an dont rhyme toooooo much, just let it flow, but apart from that it was aaaiht
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word Id work on some more multies and some vocab, wasnt that bad of a piece, but its not the type I really dig... needs to be more energetic and flow with ease...
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improve ya vocab yo go check this out http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=97225
Try to put more effort in ur reply's -Edicius |
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