Heres a story.. Sit down people..

Naomi wasn't the type
To be lonely on a Night
Where guys Sprawled the Streets
Weak kneed and Crawled to Teeth
Like they Brawled to Beat
She Hauled to Meet
The men that would get in The Sack
She didn't even care if they Were Fat
As soon as they Heard That
From Naomi Speaking her Mind
Guys asked'Can We' She replied
'I don't mind you Leaking in Mine'
Then they were.. Seeking to Find
A place they could be
Seeing Defined body
Then after a short time
They fought signs along the Lobby
The guests started getting Gobby
Saying 'You two get a room'
Naomi Replied
'I don't give a fuck what we do'
She'd got it Back to Front
After he. . Asked her to Lunch
'But its not even midnight
and We've only did it once'
He aksed 'What about a Brunch'
'Come on you Cunt. . Lets Fuck'
So they went in the Room to Play
He Prayed. that her Womb Layed
With a New Day
After he fell asleep.. She felt bleak
So she got up and left to the next
He could Protect.. her but her step
Out of that door assured no more
His love for her..
Yet it was a One Night Stand
It drags-on and she was gone
So there Stands One Knight

uhhh...

it wouldv'e been tight if the rhyming didn't seem to be forced

good point of view on the topic

overall it needs a lil work and better vocab

keep postin tho............................

Links

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...8848#post968848

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...8862#post968862

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...8879#post968879

you need some vocab improvements, and try to have some better imagery... also your lines were a bit too short... however, stories are harder to do than normal stuff, and u did use multies so i'll give you

7.5/10...

it was pretty good, keep writing

i would say you need to work on yo wordplay for real dogg, an dont rhyme toooooo much, just let it flow, but apart from that it was aaaiht

word Id work on some more multies and some vocab, wasnt that bad of a piece, but its not the type I really dig... needs to be more energetic and flow with ease...

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Kastaway - Controller of The Dark Realm
History has a bad habit of repeating itself. Learn from the events that took place Within the Gathering of Shadows.....