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|12-10-04, 08:09 PM||#1|
God is a Fable.
led poetic vs Elemental Soul
IP: A10D 4933
18lines minimum 50 max
topic: A Crow Left of the Murder
Minimum posts to vote: 500
Check in by: 12-10-04 at 08:39 PM
Must drop verse in 120 minutes after check in.
This Battle Is Now Closed
|12-10-04, 08:48 PM||#4|
God is a Fable.
IP: 9588 E886
for all those cats that like the vocab here is a piece for you
when the fluttery flurry of feathers settled,
the existentialists looked disheveled.
the blustery breeze wilted everything besides the lonely lilac's petals
ripping through metal, tearing through fog, a crow died at dawn
through mental interaction, we heard God's divinely harmonous song
an angel faintly hummed along, but somehow forgot her beat
and so a crow fell from the sky, pummeling into the concrete
gaia gazed unbearably towards her streets, and graciously lended a tear
but she shut her eyes and turned her ears; a mechanical axis with broken gears
some thought she was harsh, that she was forgetful of her children
but i called out, "you're the forgetful ones...the forests are the pilgrims"
i heard a caw, and turned to my left, just in time to see the death
and for the dead marching crows, i let out a conclusive breath
whispered the elegy in lament, and reminisced of ignorant days
paid the price to know the ropes, still stuck in the stone(d) age
i felt for the crow deep down in my heart,
as it tried to deface this faceless art....
watching it all come together was almost as beautiful as watching it all fall apart
A piece for all you emotional type folks
A C.R.O.W. Left of the Murder.
Lifes chase let me misplace all that mattered.
A disgrace to be replaced by the pieces I've shattered.
Placing perfection across the path that was meant.
Facing the direction away from the pockets that were spent.
Dollar signs realigned my mind towards the greeds we're born with.
Temporarily confined my lines until I designed the dream I once missed.
Pushed the pens ink deep, staining the surface beneath.
Once words and suicide meet the pain and worthless will drink.
I grabbed the cup of death and swallowed life untill nothing left.
Felt trapped and threw-up my chest, followed lights towards the exit.
Met those above, those in charge of drugs and love.
Slept after being drunk and shared stories with a heroic monk.
I was told the steps I should've stepped
Showed the folds I regret and able to hold those I left.
A night of smiles, halos, innocence and happiness.
Tought to write to as a child with brillance and intelligence.
Only to awake to tears and a cramping stomach for food
Wish I could take fears and watch them plummit from the moon.
That nite when the blackbird lured my heart towards suicide.
No sight, only a burning hurt that turned into the quotes I write.
An evening of death, lived and found how to walk proper.
Forget being upset, begin to pronounce how I prosper.
A Crow, was left to show of the murder I swallowed
Christ's Rising Over Words came from the evening I followed..
|12-10-04, 09:48 PM||#6|
Crossing the Phyco's Path
IP: 7CF5 90EB
A Crow Left of the Murder
Steve remembered the crow,that dropped a feather,
And landed on the rim of his hat,during the storm weather,
A cold december,water frozen on the streets,
Wind hits his eyes,frozen tears on his cheeks,
He snuggles his chin in his sweater,to protect his neck,
Looks across his shoulder,and notices a car wrecked,
Observing into the demolished car,he finds an elder man,
He was a good hearted person,who wanted to give a hand,
The man in the driver seat wasn't moving,eyes open and scared,
He decided to bring him to the hospital,and he would carry him there,
But before he would help him,he asked him if he's alright,
The man didn't answer,he just gazed right into the night,
The snow was painful,like needles dropping from the sky,
So he carried the man to the hospital,then he arrived,
Noticed that the man had bruises,and a scar on his face,
Laying in the bed,the man's heart was goin at a fast pace,
But then it slowed down,and he finally began to talk,
"I didn't mean to do it,we were only taking a walk",
"do what?" Steve replied "and what walk u talken bout?"
The elder man began to shout,"just leave and get out!",
Steve was confused,but left and returned to the storm,
He decided to investigate the car,which was deserted and torn,
Surprisingly no cops saw the accident,foggy in the ghost town,
He checked the car out,a discusting stench was around,
He checked the back seats,then he looked in the trunk,
Then he saw a bloody mess,filled with brain chunks,
His eyes open wide,his face turned pale,stomach aching,
Nerves breaking as he looked upon a dead 3 year old baby,
He cried out "how could he do this to a child?! why!?"
Then the fog cleared,and a crow was shown in the sky,
And in a blink of an eye,steves whole vision goes white,
Beams of light,a symbol of a crow shown in his sight,
"what's going on?,where am i?"said steve,
Then he sees visions of a woman,and his eyes began to bleed,
A mans voice is heard,"forgive me grandson,let me explain",
It was a familiar voice,and it relaxed steve's brain,
The elder man began to say,"your mother and father died,
You were only 2 years old,and together they comited suicide,
Abandoning you,they didnt love you,they left u to starve,
But me and your grandmother took you,so we were left in charge,
Then when you were 3 years old,i began to go crazy,
They put me in a mental hospital,and they tried to change me,
So then i picked locks,and escaped back to the house,
Then i got dressed and punched your grandmother's mouth,
For no reason,i didnt know what i was doing,these are the facts,
Then i went to the tool shed,and chopped her to peices with an axe,
I buried her in the backyard,then i grabbed you and brung u to the car,
I cut you in half,and in the process i cut my face and it got scarred,
Then i put u in the trunk,kept driving and then i crashed,
And then you saved me,my grandson the angel from the past....
-crows are a symbol of death,just waiting for your demise........
|12-10-04, 10:12 PM||#8|
IP: 3240 794D
Voted For: led poetic
L.P. u did sick as fuck right here
I'm lovin the two stansas for each type of style..
the story was great..and oviously the vocab amd
emotion was there..the structure could've been better..
I wa feeling this..................................alot lol
the complexity wasn't too mind boggling either..
so I give you thumbs up for that..
please change ur structure..it seemed like nothing
was special..just you rapping..no emotion..not 1st
person veiw..nor narraotor..it was changed to fir the
rhyme scheme..you must keep it consistent to win battles
pick a style..
|12-15-04, 04:19 PM||#11|
IP: 7BE2 A0A1
Voted For: Elemental Soul
I Was Feeling This Verse Better...
It Had Better Direction And Storyline...
Led Went Off To Much Into Tryna Get Vocab An Shit In...
He Had Two Stories Instead Of One Tite One...
I Just Really Wasnt Feeling It...
And I Think You Need To Be More Aware Of Your Reader...
Cuz Most People Wont Understand All That Vocab...
I'm A Topical Writer And Have A Large Vocab Myself So I Know The Meanings...
But Your Average Rv Head Would Be Lost...
|12-25-04, 03:11 PM||#12|
Just Another DipSet
IP: A9DF 380A
Voted For: led poetic
i was felling both of you pieces.....led...your flow was dope....your structure was ripin it up...and your story all together was one dope piece....9/10
ES:i was feeling your shit to...you had a nice story and nice vocab .....but what brought you down was a bad structure....you piece all together was okay...but the strcutre threw you off...overall:8/10
Its Only Getting Better
|01-14-05, 02:07 PM||#15|
The Original Half Ass King
IP: C431 103C
Voted For: led poetic
I thought your verse was very well thought out. Not bad imagry. Your vocab could be improved. Storyline was good, flowed nicely. For an area of improvment I would have to say try making you lines the same or close to the same amount. Also, maybe think about using a new formatting to make the overall presentation more effective. It kinda looks boring how it is now in my opinion...but iunno...just something to think about.
I thought you had a great overall verse. Amazing vocab. Stayed on topical very well. Only area of improvment I would have to say is try to only write on verse in a topical battle...because you kinda have two completely different things for me to read. For next time if you feel like doing this again, in my opinion I would have to say try to mix both of those verse into one. You can have a verse with vocab and emotion all in one withouth have to use 2 separate verses.
[b]Elemental Soul - 78/100
Led Poetic - 86/100
Close battle but someones gotta win, no hard feelings, Please return the favour! Topical heads gotta stick together, I would appreciate both of you voting on this link... ttp://community.rapverse.com/showbattlethread.php?t=147152
Congrats on getting my vote Led Poetic, see you around. Payce and props to the both of you.
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