Lol at stealing my centering steez ..
.. the story was decent, you should ditch the whole perfectly-even lines thing though, yes, i used to write like that .. but after a while you'll realise thats actually holding your content back. That's what happened here i felt, you had a good concept / idea on where you wanted to take this .. but some of lines were worded awkwardly to try and fit them together perfectly .. also, a main problem with this was the basic rhyming, dont rhyme just the end words. Internals and multi's are important to open mic pieces, otherwise its just a lot of one syllable rhyming and that brings the content down in my opinion. The flow was decent in some parts, choppy in others .. again, that was down to the bar lengths god damn you! i liked the whole personality thing though, it wasnt a bad verse. signs of potential there but you really need to step it up on the multi's side of things.
respond to mine you glutton!
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=105272