I agree with filed in saying the piece felt forced, and jumped around alot. With simple and short pieces you have to try to have a sufficient amount of emotion, I felt almost none in this piece. Again carefully choose your words. Try to stay on topic... i think if you re-think this piece, and maybe make a structure or style change, this piece would be good. Keep writin hun

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~.:Soft Focus:.~
{--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --}
{-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-}
{--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--}
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Poetry
Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten
Understanding Once Again
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom:
the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."