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Flyweight
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IP:
I thought you brought the ideas of desire and lust across well. Flow was alright but could use a little work. Liked your intro line:
"In speech
we dont speak while teacher teaches"
- nice insight. One advice - don't only put half a line down like:
"I can't believe you from Syria
cause it doesn't seem
You make me have secular dreams
All I can do is just dream"
Cause I'm expecting something to rhyme with Syria and when there's nothing then it throws the flow off a little. So better is:
I can't believe you from Syria - cause it doesn't seem
You make me have secular dreams
All I can do is just dream
nice piece though - hit something in my sig (preferably Broken Metamorphosis if you haven't already)
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