In speech
we dont speak while teacher teaches
I sit behind you
and the view conveys you neatness
Your brown hair has blond highlights
Probably not my type
But your breasts and thighs
Are built exactly how I like
Your skin looks like a glazed donut
We could do so much
I dream about our first touch
Not love!!
it's teenage lust
between us
no chemistry we never even spoke
Your beauty makes me nervous so my words can't leave my throat
You look polished from head to toe and you slender
You make me wanna get behind you
and give you a fender bender
your body is perpendicular to mine with blue eyes
I look at you and sexy is defined
It's not an act
You love wearing black
I watch you move to conclude
I'd love to hit that
To touch every square inch is my motive
Girl your explosive
I can't believe you from Syria
cause it doesn't seem
You make me have secular dreams
All I can do is just dream
Just dream

__________________
Biggie was always better than Pac, ready to die vs tupacolypse now which was better

alrite for a newbie....different structure than what were
used to but still, not a bad effort....
Check this open mic by me..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113801

This is the structure I choose cos its easy to read etc

Good stuff tho...
7/10 cos U new

I'm wondering what is wrong with this rhyme....don't tell me it is not complex because I don't wanna be complex. I wanna be understood. My goal is to communicate with you lyrically...did it work

__________________
Biggie was always better than Pac, ready to die vs tupacolypse now which was better

This was alright i thought.....i liked the read here.....structure threw me off at first but i caught on to it....i thought it had some good emotion....had some details in there....flow was pretty good overall in this....keep at it.

thanks people yall gonna hear from me. I learned that everyone who posts here may not be a rapper.Now I know that some of these posts are stories and that's all

__________________
Biggie was always better than Pac, ready to die vs tupacolypse now which was better

I thought you brought the ideas of desire and lust across well. Flow was alright but could use a little work. Liked your intro line:
"In speech
we dont speak while teacher teaches"

- nice insight. One advice - don't only put half a line down like:

"I can't believe you from Syria
cause it doesn't seem
You make me have secular dreams
All I can do is just dream"

Cause I'm expecting something to rhyme with Syria and when there's nothing then it throws the flow off a little. So better is:

I can't believe you from Syria - cause it doesn't seem
You make me have secular dreams
All I can do is just dream

nice piece though - hit something in my sig (preferably Broken Metamorphosis if you haven't already)

__________________
Personal Testament 3 (100 Bars)
Befuddlement
Broken Metamorphosis
Cud

damn.....yall are actually tellling me some useful shit...thanks homies
I gotta peep your stuff now and I'ma be honest, I don't really know how to improve my structure

__________________
Biggie was always better than Pac, ready to die vs tupacolypse now which was better

this was straight dunnie...you'll only get better too......stay up

"I don't really know how to improve my structure"

Your lines don't have to be necessarily even to flow nicely - peep something by Word~Perfect for an example. So if that's your style go with it. But if you want to have even structure then just try to even your bars out by saying things in different ways. ie:
"no chemistry we never even spoke
Your beauty makes me nervous so my words can't leave my throat"
becomes
there's no chemistry found here - we've never even spoke
So nervous from your beauty my words stick in my throat

__________________
Personal Testament 3 (100 Bars)
Befuddlement
Broken Metamorphosis
Cud