hmmm... i sense anger.. haha.. that's not bad, BUT.. it could be channeled more efectively

for starters, you might want to break down your bars.. so it's easier to see the rhymes.. also, it never hurts to use more imagery, metas, multis, wittier punchlines...

but all in all, i like the emotion and anger.. keep doing yo thang. ~Osk

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my verse ---> <--- your verse