RapVerse.com Community - View Single Post - True Love (Part One) Dedicated to Monique Tsosie

Aight, I'm pumped the fuck up on pain killers right now, so I have no desire to give you any negative comments. But I know you're trying to elevate, so I'ma be real with you, here goes...

Quote:

Originally Posted by G_$peed

Verse 1

Yo dont think nobody could love you like I could...
I'll be kind, nice, active like a lover should...
Active? That kinda sounds like you wanna date RV...
If I was wit you you wouldn't kno wut harm is...
I dont stalk you dont worry I'm pretty harmless...
Don't put the possibility of being a stalker into this, it's a turn-off. It'd be better if you left this out...
Before i die and go to heaven i want a kiss B...
If i die gunned down would you mourn and miss me...
For an effective piece, try to use probable situations...meaning if there's no chance of you being shot don't mention it.
For all i can see and say your a good hot life saver...
Your bueaty is legend and you love aint worth no wager...
'Good hot life saver" didn't make much sense to me, it seems as though you were just trying to rhyme with "wager"...and "legendary would've worked better.
Your love is pricleless cant be bought gotta be earned...
If i dont see you yes i would be worried sick so concerned...
Good flow, but it sounds a little too overcaring. This should be used if she's into you and you know you'll be together.
Trus me i love you enuff i dont want it to be dead...
I kno you kno me can love girl you heard every thing i said...
^Huh? Once again, don't use "love" if you're not that close to her...
You listened to me my love wont rest until it is fed...
Baby you haunt me at night your engraved in my head...
Wuld you believe me if i told you wutz all in my head...
I can give you so much love make a good love life...
When i grow up i would do anything for you to be my wife...
All the time i cry and my mom asks me why...
I love you thatz why but cant get to you Monique why...
Take Craig outta it is it even at all possible...
Itz not minez or your fault that you so irresistible...
My crazy love for cant be inexistable itz alwayz full...
Here is wut i gotta say to you...
Baby is your love for sure true...
The rest of the verse you really need to take into consideration about changing. Reword the line about "taking Craig out" and quit saying you love her so much - it's called overkill...

Chorus x2
Girl i kno i got a syndrome of true love...
I aint scary to girlz i dont do crazy stuff...
Plz baby is my even enuff...
I aint truble you wont see me in cuffz...
Baby i'm crazy bout you...
Crazy crazy crazy for you...
Could this really be true love...
Wasn't really feelin' this chorus, lines came off simple and not too well thought out...[/U]

Aight, there's my feedback of the first half, I'll have my thoughts on part 2 soon...