first of all you need to work on your structure and flow coz that was way off.....your structure should be in lines like this
hfghofgoh gkanglkf sdkgdf
dfsgkfak fdhkdlkh hfkdj'khg
instead of written as a dialogue because it makes it much easier to read and flows better when its structured correctly.you could also up your vocab a lil bit come more complex....keep elevatin 5/10

__________________