Reading your replies, I noticed how people said it could have
been expanded and it could have been longer. Honestly though
I think that's bull because who's to say how long it was supposed
be or how much more it could have conveyed. I think that's the beauty
of poetry; it isn't bound by length or set standards. A poem can
be any length and still say a lot and more importantly, since poetry
is predominately a personal thing, if it gets across your thoughts and
feelings that's all that matters. Anyways, sorry for that rant, I just
thought I'd make a point to those who commented on that. Now on
to your piece. First off i'd like to say how much I liked your first
pair of lines. They just spoke volumes to me in regards to how i
feel a lot of times. No matter how aware of your problems are and
how much you say you will change, it always seems the difficulty is
ten fold when actually approaching it. I know that many times i've
made similar revalations, like " i'm going to do this, and i'm going
to change" but then the following day or whatever it feels like
things have become compounded and it's hard to keep my own
promises. Nonetheless, very strong opener and i thought i would
touch on that beings it could relate to it so much. The next few lines
were rather similar in my understanding. More or less saying the same
thing but you followed those up with some good ones. I like how
you used 'under water' as a metaphor for being pushed or wieghed
down by problems. It seems like it's in those times of tribulation is
when we feel the most desperate to do something about the situation
at hand, hence 'substance manifests itself'. You supported that
nicely by continuing with the water metaphor, stating how if you
could tame your desires you would wade out of the waves in your
brain; good stuff. The next pair kind of confused me a tad though.
I see the 'speaking out of context' reference as maybe saying
that according to how things really you're more or less talking
about things you can only hope to accomplish but are seemingly
far sighted. And the sedated reference as maybe being discouraged
by that overwhelming truth. I could be wrong though, feel free to
correct me. Regardless i was digging the way you closed it up with
the last four. You gave a feeling that you wish you could get to
some place comforatble in life, but dealing with the problems on the
fore front (now) is what's important to focus on. And with the closer
a sense of hope that things will change for the better. Again i'd like
to state that everything i've said is just merely my interpretation. I
could be comepletly wrong, but on some level that's where it hit me.
Overall i really liked this poem. It definitely had a meloncholy feel to
it, yet also gave reassurance that there can be light at the end
of the tunnel. Good job, much props to you. i hope to see more
of your work in the future. Also thanks for replying to my poem.

-peace

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6 Feet