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05-10-05, 07:06 PM | #1 | |||||
<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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Someday seems Now
IP: 0825 899A
As long as you stay conscious, i'll try to do the same...
But what is simple in the evening,by the morning feels insane... I see the lines, its harder for my eyes to follow... Maybe it will be easier for us tomorrow...come hollow Because substance manifests itself under water... If i could tame all of my desires.. I would wade out the waves that dissolve in my brain.. My My, i have spoken out of context, according to my mind... It reminds me of times less sedated... Maybe inflated, i may be able to go anywhere.. Somewhere is looking better, but now is everywhere... But i'm going to keep riding this song.... Nothing in the past or future will feel like today do you even understand, you made a poem out of all of my replies,Featured, because of what spoken word is bond said.....~FLUID
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* Last edited by fluidmoon : 05-18-05 at 10:11 PM. |
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05-10-05, 11:39 PM | #2 | |||||||
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IP: CF4E 8780
i like these short ones... the vocab was really good for the feeling of this....i'll drop something worthwhile when i have time...
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Â-balam balam i treat yall like cans of spam Free Time... I Live the Lifestyle You Want to Live Secret Society/Cut Throat |
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05-11-05, 12:32 AM | #3 | |||||
<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 0825 899A
Thanks for the feed man,i appreciate it greatly...1
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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05-11-05, 09:37 AM | #4 | |||||
Divine Ascension
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IP: 5DFD E17C
dont really understand this one. i thought i had it in the 1st 4 lines then u threw me. maybe you can explain this one to me
aim: hiztorEez Legend
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-Transcending The Heavens- I am before before... Before death is eternity, After death is eternity. There is no death, only eternity. And I be riding the wings of eternity... ___________________________________________ 3 Poems.:.3 Features.:.3 Weeks Consecutively I'm a Bad Man |
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05-11-05, 12:54 PM | #5 | |||
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IP: BC9E 8B9A
Great work, your piece conveys alot of thought/feeling..... I love how you were able to diction your thoughts in such a way that you didn't really have to make a long piece in order to express your feelings subjectively.
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05-11-05, 08:00 PM | #6 | |||||
~Break Bred or Play Dead~
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IP: D135 D6AF
it was short and sweet
could of expanded it a lil bit the point u was tryin 2 get across was kinda a toss up but i think i got it....but u need 2 make your words a lil more vivid....but you a poetry queen so i cant tell u nuthin really till i get on your level but this was nice...could of been longer *Nuff Said*
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05-13-05, 09:17 PM | #7 | |||
Â
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IP: 17DD 9C49
Reading your replies, I noticed how people said it could have
been expanded and it could have been longer. Honestly though I think that's bull because who's to say how long it was supposed be or how much more it could have conveyed. I think that's the beauty of poetry; it isn't bound by length or set standards. A poem can be any length and still say a lot and more importantly, since poetry is predominately a personal thing, if it gets across your thoughts and feelings that's all that matters. Anyways, sorry for that rant, I just thought I'd make a point to those who commented on that. Now on to your piece. First off i'd like to say how much I liked your first pair of lines. They just spoke volumes to me in regards to how i feel a lot of times. No matter how aware of your problems are and how much you say you will change, it always seems the difficulty is ten fold when actually approaching it. I know that many times i've made similar revalations, like " i'm going to do this, and i'm going to change" but then the following day or whatever it feels like things have become compounded and it's hard to keep my own promises. Nonetheless, very strong opener and i thought i would touch on that beings it could relate to it so much. The next few lines were rather similar in my understanding. More or less saying the same thing but you followed those up with some good ones. I like how you used 'under water' as a metaphor for being pushed or wieghed down by problems. It seems like it's in those times of tribulation is when we feel the most desperate to do something about the situation at hand, hence 'substance manifests itself'. You supported that nicely by continuing with the water metaphor, stating how if you could tame your desires you would wade out of the waves in your brain; good stuff. The next pair kind of confused me a tad though. I see the 'speaking out of context' reference as maybe saying that according to how things really you're more or less talking about things you can only hope to accomplish but are seemingly far sighted. And the sedated reference as maybe being discouraged by that overwhelming truth. I could be wrong though, feel free to correct me. Regardless i was digging the way you closed it up with the last four. You gave a feeling that you wish you could get to some place comforatble in life, but dealing with the problems on the fore front (now) is what's important to focus on. And with the closer a sense of hope that things will change for the better. Again i'd like to state that everything i've said is just merely my interpretation. I could be comepletly wrong, but on some level that's where it hit me. Overall i really liked this poem. It definitely had a meloncholy feel to it, yet also gave reassurance that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Good job, much props to you. i hope to see more of your work in the future. Also thanks for replying to my poem. -peace
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6 Feet |
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05-16-05, 09:37 PM | #8 | |||||
A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: 2029 97B3
this was good, 'tis was short and sweet,the feeling and emotion in this piece is what will and always whens the heart and mind of the reader and that is what you did here,the imagery was decent but quite vived in most areas,you also had a nice use of vocabulary,anyways nice piece fluid it is good to see your still dropping great pieces,nice job
peace
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Crhyme Sindicate
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