This confused me. I didn't really feel any imagery or emotion, nor did I know what it was about...
It seemed like you were using this piece as an elevation tool trying to work on your interals and multies, which were good throughout. Vocab and structure could have been much better. Try working on developing a storyline and using more descriptive words to improve your imagery. word.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=202243