Originally Posted by vague

Nice ending. The second half was emotion-felt.

Now, your structure was a problem. Try evening out the bars abit more and have relatively the same amount of syllables in each line and it will help the flow and the read along. The internals/ few multies were good and helped the read along.

The thing I disliked most about this verse is that you continued to waver from present tense - to past tense - to present etc. I thought there was too much use of the word "I" and saying what you do. I think your imagery could be improved greatly by telling more of a story rather than what YOU do in everyday life. Work on this and your writing will improve ten fold.

I was feeling the emotion throughout the second half though, your internals and some vocab show that you have a good foundation for writing, all you need to do now is build on it. Pz.