Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
08-01-05, 01:42 AM | #1 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
silence
IP: 28AD 5545
Can ya take a second stop and listen
Dont continue what you were doin till i give you permission I got ya attention in submission im on a suicidal mission got them hoes wishin that my dick was up in them im up on the grind every day of my life years and years of sellin crack how the hell did i survive One day ill break out nigga ima get mine perversions on my mind i needa pussy to find disturbing features in my life has been presented to ur presence heres ur present nah im just messin ill keep u guessin possibly stressin People on my case but they cant relate ta deaths to other niggas With my hand tight on the trigga i still have my life to configure My break through in life has yet to reach my soul Ive killed many niggas Ive payed my respects that i owed I can admit i am a coward who walks the streets with a gun But when i flash my nine all that beef turns to none I feel authorized to take your life make u squirm at night make u put up a fight September 11th my mothers life was taken hearts were broken minds were shaken But i was different i wasnt the same i was discharged of power i was lame in the brain i felt it was right to hate on the iraqies But now i see clearly and i know where i stand exactly To this day i still hate on them middle eastern bastards so i put it in my rhymes and my skill has been mastered People ask why i waste my time to hate then i tell them they are gay they take lives to castrate My permission is now granted you my exit out of this page but just think of the heavens But never forget what they did on september 11th ...i end this piece with no hate directed to anyone on this site.....please leave feedback |
|||||
08-01-05, 01:52 AM | #2 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 28AD 5545
Last edited by taz : 08-01-05 at 01:57 AM. |
|||||
08-01-05, 01:57 AM | #3 | ||||
|
IP: 0AE0 3B1A
Drop a link or this will be closed
__________________
The Competition
|
||||
08-01-05, 02:06 AM | #4 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 28AD 5545
|
|||||
08-01-05, 02:16 AM | #5 | ||||||
Middle Weight
|
IP: CF74 5D3A
yeah this was tight i really got into this one very emotional give a 8/10 it could do for some multi's doe for real
|
||||||
08-01-05, 02:21 AM | #6 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 28AD 5545
thanks for the feed ^^^.........uppin for more
|
|||||
08-01-05, 02:31 AM | #7 | ||||||
New to RV
|
IP: 6692 01F5
Nice ending. The second half was emotion-felt.
Now, your structure was a problem. Try evening out the bars abit more and have relatively the same amount of syllables in each line and it will help the flow and the read along. The internals/ few multies were good and helped the read along. The thing I disliked most about this verse is that you continued to waver from present tense - to past tense - to present etc. I thought there was too much use of the word "I" and saying what you do. I think your imagery could be improved greatly by telling more of a story rather than what YOU do in everyday life. Work on this and your writing will improve ten fold. I was feeling the emotion throughout the second half though, your internals and some vocab show that you have a good foundation for writing, all you need to do now is build on it. Pz.
__________________
My Consent? Living Legends.
Quote:
|
||||||
08-01-05, 01:59 PM | #8 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 3240 794D
thanks man appreciate honest feed ^^^ lookin for more feed people
|
|||||
08-01-05, 04:02 PM | #9 | |||
1926
|
IP: 3240 794D
Dont Listen To Any Of Them...
05 Knows Nothing Of Leaving Feedback On O.M.'s... This Piece Was Really Lacking... It Didnt Have Direction, Or A Storyline... It Was Just Random Punch Type Brag Bars... But None Of The Punches Were That Strong... The Flow Was Boring... Only One Syllabol End Rhyms And That Was It... No Internals, Multies, Ect... None Of That Was Aparent In This Piece... And Your Structure Was Unstable... You Used One Format In The First Half And Another In The Second... Wich Could Work, Cuz Its Like You Showing Your Diversity... But The Second Format Was Stretched Lines... Wasnt All That Good, But Keep At It Mayn... .One. |
|||
08-01-05, 04:10 PM | #10 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 3240 794D
thanks fam............^^^ more feedback please
|
|||||
08-01-05, 04:40 PM | #11 | |||
Do Re Mi
|
IP: FB48 3F52
i was feelin this one but i do got some advice...
but first ill state the good points of this rhyme... i liked the flow.. kept the rhyme movin real nice... i like the vocab.. it was better in some spots tho... it could have used some multies nd such as atticus said... and more of a well stated topic to bring the whole rhyme together... overall id have to give it a 6.5/10.. no hate just needs some elevation... peace.1 - TS1
__________________
crhyme sindicate . . . . . |
|||
08-01-05, 04:42 PM | #12 | |||
Do Re Mi
|
IP: FB48 3F52
..... and yes i copied atticus' typing style cuz it looks sophisticated
__________________
crhyme sindicate . . . . . |
|||
08-01-05, 08:56 PM | #13 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 3240 794D
lol haha thanks for the feedback...still lookin for more feel freee
|
|||||
08-01-05, 10:44 PM | #14 | ||||
Poet's Daughter.
|
IP: 74E5 94D8
Quote:
Hunny you said you wanted pointers ^^ He laid it all out. This was a good piece Emotion I felt was the best Aspect in your verse. Your Imagery need up a little...But Overall this was a good piece.. I would like to give you Pointers but damn It! Vague Laid it all out before I could.
__________________
mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
||||
08-01-05, 10:56 PM | #15 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 3240 794D
haha thanks man.......i respect that u actually looked.......
|
|||||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|