You had a nice idea for this, though a few things hindered it from being a great piece. Here's what.

Firstly, Puncuation. An important part of the piece is being able to make your reader read it the way it was ment to be read. Pauses induced by three periods, comma's, dashes, anything... it pulls the reader in more, instead of just being another ramble they read.

Second, Consistancy. For me atleast, the concept seemed to lurch around, as in... i'm understanding the piece but then you toss words in to compensate for flow which in turn ruins your piece more so. It's a bitch, but once you get it right you never struggle with it again.

Im not some sort of genious or anything, so I dont know what this would be called, bluntly put, the words you choose to rhyme with are almost always single syllables. That's not bad, but it is boring for the reader at times. Example: Slice, Ice, Fright, Like.

Now onto your strong points. You attained a certain level of emotion if you delve into it. I actually print out pieces im going to reply on and read them a few times while im doing other things just to make sure I get it all.

Your flow wasnt half bad, though forced at times, for the most part it was good.

You seem to have a consistant rhyme scheme, though simple, it's better than alot of people who dont use one. A more complex one would have really made this piece better even had you not touched anything else. Example: Instead of the 'a-a_a-a' two liners, perhaps you could try an 'a-b-a-b_a-b-a-b' two liner.
Like...
'The sword swept as my pores wept ...
... Like I's born erect as this whore slept'.

Overall, nice drop man, you lost me in a few places but I knew where you were goin'. Keep droppin' and thanks for the feed.

Peace.

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Blow It - Topical