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Old 04-01-06, 06:50 PM   #6
Terumoto
I have a lot to learn...
 
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Posts: 9,740
From: Life.
IP:

This poem is ill. You really capture the essence and emotion of Godly support and heavenly hope. Great diction, too.

But some lines I feel could have been done a bit better... For example:

The windows to my soul free the pain, released into vapour…

Obviously you're referring to the eyes with windows to my soul. When I read that it seemed kind of forced or something, like you just said that to sound more poetic. It could mean that through those windows the pain escapes from your soul, but if that meaning was what you wanted to convey maybe rewording it would have been better.

Other than that though it was a good drop.

Could you return the favor on my poem? The threads closed right now but soon it'll be open again.
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