not feelin' it at all.. first line and second and third didn't flow at all... bar seperation may have helped but I doubt it.. you really gotta work on your vocab.. I noticed in a couple of your pieces that you use the same word over and over throughout.. that really fucks it up, find similes for the words or just use a totally different concept.. sorry for the negativity, but hey it's gotta come from somewhere or you'll think your hype when you're not.. and get your hopes up.. trust me, you have potential, just doesn't seem you've found your niche yet.. keep elevatin' 1

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