^ i think he means all of the 'gangsta' speak stuff you put in this like 'shit son' and 'celly' they took the real aspects away from this piece. This wasnt bad though, very imageric, very emotional, it seemed heart felt, i dont know how much truth is in it. . basically what ima say is try to use more Internal rhyming as well as external, and more multi's would help this piece too. For the flow side of it, try to get each line down to an even number of syllables per line, i go for 13-16 syllables a line usually, it helps maintain the flow, keeps it easier to read etc.

This wasnt bad though, keep dropping man, sign up for the RBTL if your not in it already, it could help you elavate. .

Peace!