its 7:15, my celly rings...i check the id, its my cousin prolly tryin to tell me things
but i just let it go, then i hear a call on the house phone
my stepmom busts through the door and said your auntie aint livin no more
stuck,i cant breath...i gotta go but i can't leave
can't find the energy to just get up and go
the whole time it feels like everythin is goin slow...its like a dream
i can't believe this shit is even happening
i jump in the car, a five minute drive took me less than a minute
i can't believe i'm gonna witness my auntie as a suicide victim
shit son, hopped out the ride, my cousin's standin outside
we embrace, my mom's still livin but in a way i can relate
we conversate without talkin...i can tell by the look on his face
look at this place, squad cars here and cops bookin the case
the whole families there, there are many tears shed
my ears dread the moment when the paramedics officially pronounce shes dead
hours pass by then we all finally go inside
as a family we converse about things from memory's to what kind of hearst
this family is closer than ever but we all at our worst
then me and my cousins go shoppin
thinkin things are gettin better, laughin but we stop when
we realize where lookin for clothes we're gonna wear when we carry her coffin
i start coughin, try to hold back the heartache
for GOD's sake why she gotta end it like this?
we're filled with sorrow but in a way we're all pissed
can you believe she did this 6 days before her daughters graduation?
found a journal that said for months this was somethin she's been contemplatin
her doctor just lost a patient, i know GOD is waitin
but still its hard....now here i am, the next day writin lyrics to relieve pain from my heart
i knew from the start of her depression somethin was wrong
dealin with shit,workin days that were 16 hours long
7 days a week, she's normally a strong women but i guess her spirit got weak
now here i speak...i finally got rid of my writers block
but look at the cost, i'd rather stop writin than face the fact that my aunties life is lost
but this shit aint the first time
last month it was my homie now its my second mom
oh GOD, normally i'm not a believa
but please tell JR to watch over Felisa Molina.........



R.I.P. Auntie......although you didn't make the best choice we'll always love you and miss you. JR, plz watch over her and keep her safe.

this had real nice emotion
and your words were put
together nicely. umm the
homieness i don't like. but
if that's how it is. then it is.
good writing. way to put out
what you feel...pz

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thanks man...but i'm a lil confused...what do you mean by homieness?

^ i think he means all of the 'gangsta' speak stuff you put in this like 'shit son' and 'celly' they took the real aspects away from this piece. This wasnt bad though, very imageric, very emotional, it seemed heart felt, i dont know how much truth is in it. . basically what ima say is try to use more Internal rhyming as well as external, and more multi's would help this piece too. For the flow side of it, try to get each line down to an even number of syllables per line, i go for 13-16 syllables a line usually, it helps maintain the flow, keeps it easier to read etc.

This wasnt bad though, keep dropping man, sign up for the RBTL if your not in it already, it could help you elavate. .

Peace!

all this shit was truth man. but yea...thanks for the tips. its just all this shit was just comin out. like the whole piece took me about 15 mins so yea...but good lookin. and what exactly is the rbtl? i know its the topical league but how exactly does it work?

^ They give you a topic like - Love - then you write to that topic, its not too difficult, could really help you improve your topical skill, go sign up man. .

^^^^^^^^Vortex givin out his oppinion.........nice i just wanted to say........the gangsta stuff like he said.......took away the meanin or the concept of this piece but really emotional dawg am feelin it nice drop

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thanks fellas........and the "gangsta" thing, i didn't mean it as a gangsta thing its just i started typin and thats just what came. so yea...but thanks for all the feedback

Yea this was nice, had real nice emotion coming out..Damn that shit really happened sorry to hear that dawg! But back to the piece, it had nice emotion the flow was a lil choppy in parts but overall was a nice piece
Keep it up
~1~

hey thanks for the replys ppl. just felt like uppin this piece