Yeah this was a decent piece, flow was there but some of the rhyming words were pretty basic, if you use multi's and internal rhyming constructively, you'll get rid of that factor. Your storytelling and imagery are your strongest aspects that shone in this piece, if you work on your emotional aspect, you could become quite a good topical writer, id say basically, shorten up your bar lengths so their almost equal each line, ariound 12-16 syllables per line i go for, if you work on that, add more internals and multi's, you'll improve a lot.
Im a vet here so like. . dont take what i say too hard, im just trying to tell you where to work on and what needs improving because no one learns anything from me saying "This was dope - i liked it" so any wakes, take what ive said and work on it. Your not half bad.
Reply to mine:
Burnt Bridges
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=70954
Wonderful Women
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=70898