Some of the wording was a bit off. Could've been done of purpose. But if it was, weren't done to good enough effect.

Seemed like you wanted to channel emotions. And you chose a easy way to do that. Easy in the personal sense. But to the reader, it didn't come off too well. It became plain and unattached.

Still, as i said, i thought you were trying to channel emotions. It did have an innocence to it too. Which rescued it. Hard to pull off, but you didn't faulter completely.

..resp...