I met someone who I wanna be with forever
I met someone who i wont do pain to ever
I met someone who is as beautiful as a dove
I met someone who to give all my love
I met someone who is very sweet
I met someone who got me writting this beat
I met someone who changed my whole life
I met someone who might be my wife
I met someone i needed to find
I met someone always on my mind
I met someone whos always by my side
I met someone who has gave me my pride

the rhyme were good, but i didn't like the whole repeatative thing, i can relate to the way ya feel tho,
peace

anyway, keep droppin,

Some of the wording was a bit off. Could've been done of purpose. But if it was, weren't done to good enough effect.

Seemed like you wanted to channel emotions. And you chose a easy way to do that. Easy in the personal sense. But to the reader, it didn't come off too well. It became plain and unattached.

Still, as i said, i thought you were trying to channel emotions. It did have an innocence to it too. Which rescued it. Hard to pull off, but you didn't faulter completely.

..resp...

yeah this wasnt the greatest but you can always take feedback and make it better

it does become a bit much 12 lines in a row that all share the same beginning. i thought that dividing them up into groups of 4 then sticking a different paragraph in between them, one that doesnt start the same would help it out some. give it more lenght tell more of the story, be able to stick some vocab and imangery in there but hey its just a thought

~ Tera~
DONT HATE

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