Your lines are choppy and too short to bring out any significance in the piece...
Your lines are not connected in anyway and don't feed off eachother, they just stand alone.....not good

Your rhyming is forced ie...."if down that cheek ran a single tear" don't reword something just so it has an end rhyme......

the subject was nice up until I'd say this point "i'd pull a 187 without a fuckin care//
J to the E to the double N, Y//"

That's when it totally went downhill......