i don't know who ur girl is, but i would never show any chick somethin' like that...u gotta write something from the heart, something deep and meaningful that shows that u actually care. like muhthuga said, ur lines stand alone...they need to fee off each other...

basically, this isn't too bad on its on...u should work on ur line lengths so they correspond somewhat, and u should also work on developing ur whole piece to make it fit together better. BUT, i would NEVER give this kinda thing to a girl..especially with all that pullin' out a 187 and doube N, Y bullshit....leave that crap outta a rhyme for ur woman, that's not gonna get u anywhere bro...

sry for the harsh critque, but i don't beat around teh bush