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01-04-05, 05:02 AM | #9 | ||
Flyweight
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IP:
this was okay.
both kind of took a similar approach that being a reflection of sorts on their lives and the confusing thoughts that accompany decisions, problems, etc. not really anything special from either though both came weak in my opinion which kind of disappointed me a bit but none the less it was a close battle, very close alot closer than the votes show Flow, your verse was decent i thought the begining was just far to plain though there wasnt a hint of emotion until about half way through. Imagery wise it was okay, though like i said i felt the emotion was lacking but probably the biggest piece of criticism would have to be that it was apparent you rushed this. As there was no real transition within the verse.... Quote:
^see what i mean. You went from having no hope to to optimistic in two lines. I would have liked to see you build up to it a little more, know what i mean? regardless, this is just my opinion i dont intend to take anything away from your writing as poetry is most definitely a personal thing whyte...kind of the same deal. I was expecting alot more from you and was a little disappointed to see such a bland verse. Like flows there wasn't much descriptiveness going on here more of a straight forward approch i guess you could say honestly i thought yours was slighty better in the emotion department, as it was more or an actual real life type thing, Unless flow's on the brink or suicide: ( jp..but that the wording let you down. It was far too basic in my opinion; i could see there was emotion trying to get out the lack of descriptiveness though just seemd to hinder it. It would really benefit you to be more descriptive and a bit more creative with your ideas. Again like i said before this is just my opinion i dont intend to take anything away from your work, i'm in no postion to say what should have been done or what shouldn't have. this was way to close, and to be blunt a pain to breakdown, lol. Both had their pros and cons but i felt that this was just one of those deals where i had to go with personal preference. That being said i'm going with whyte due to just feeling his verse more. Not hate to you Flow your verse was cool in my eyes though Whyte's just made more of a connection on an emotional level, pros to both though v/ Whyte |
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