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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
01-26-04, 12:54 PM
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#1
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Guest
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As the World Turns
IP: 1192 92A4
This is my first drop in a good while..Hope you enjoy this..I found it in some old papers...I wrote it awhile back...Feedback Please..
The world Turns at a steady speed People make there living, working and selling weed Some live in the third dimension Kids spend their time in detention Even as all this shit goes on The world still turns on its own Tension builds inside the Human brain Draining all sanity, drives you insane Always pushing yourself to do better Yet it all ends with a suicide letter Now, even though your gone The world still turns on its own ~It's short But tell me what yah think plz~ peAce  |
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01-26-04, 09:41 PM
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#2
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shawty"B"
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IP: C1DA C961
hey yo this is a reel nice peace!! very well written and thought out
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<img src=http://img43.photobucket.com/albums/v133/thanodia/shawty.gif>
JUST TRY AND STOP ME !! ........Shangri La........ |
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01-27-04, 04:02 PM
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#3
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Guest
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IP: 1192 92A4
ThankZ. I try my best on them...uppin'
peAce |
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01-27-04, 04:03 PM
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#4
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 399E F0FD
decent..I try not to be too harsh with femcees..so..I'll stop here..peace..
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01-27-04, 04:10 PM
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#5
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Guest
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IP: 1192 92A4
Well...Say what you want..Its welcome..It helps..
peAce |
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01-27-04, 04:50 PM
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#6
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Atra Ludio or Hip-Hop?
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IP: B0B1 4A4B
I don't believe there is ever a thing called being "too harsh".
Hm... this was rather raw. Wasn't cooked well, if you know what I mean. I think this shows a lot of promising talent if you'd take things and work them over. Process it in your head, and revise things. Some of those lines like the dimension/detention one in general was really great. If you'd work this peice over you can come up with a lot of better lines it too. It's promising, keep up the good work. ~Irenic~ |
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01-27-04, 04:56 PM
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#7
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Guest
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IP: 1192 92A4
Thankz for the reply...I appreciate the "harshness" lol, I will work with it and see what I come up with. I may make it a little longer, Who knows. We'll see what happens.
peAce |
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01-28-04, 12:23 PM
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#8
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Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4427 B15C
i felt what was written here was pretty decent too, but i felt you could have added more detail and flava to it. and it could be expanded, like more lines, with more of a story it seemed like you were building up to something, then we missed a chapter then it was the end. but what you have was nice.
~Tera~ DONT HATE
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R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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01-28-04, 01:26 PM
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#9
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Flyweight
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IP: 74DC FE35
I agree with Nec and Filed, the concept you have is good, and this is a good start, I just think you should go over this again and re-write it to give it more emotion, and strength, more of your experession, b/c it was kind of weak.To help, pay attention to the words you use, try to pick those that express more, like instead of using "happy" say something like "overwhelming bliss"... i dont know if that was a good example, but i think you get what i mean. I think it would be better also if you added more, got more indepth, and elaborated the story some. This piece was ok... soem constructive criticism... keep writing
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~.:Soft Focus:.~ {--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --} {-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-} {--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--} {-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-} { --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--} Poetry Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten Understanding Once Again "It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf." |
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