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02-05-04, 10:05 AM | #1 | |||||||
Flyweight
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Personal Testament 3 (100 Bars, 1000 Words)
IP: 4577 CD9A
Personal Testament 1
Personal Testament 2 The beat accelerates as it goes on - you should be able to figure it out. I just started writing a few months ago so I'm looking for feedback - thnx. CHORUS: (2x) Don’t avert your ear as my words are spoken Tremble in fear ‘cause I’m certainly not jokin’ Be stunned by what you hear but this is just a token The end draws near - the last god’s awoken. S…M…Z… Got y’all wonderin’ what that stands for ((Seraph Maverick Zenith)) a champion of yore Seraph for the divinity that’s masked at my core Maverick for the knee I won’t place on the floor Zenith because I’m perfection’s paramour On one proverbial hand a collector of lore On the remaining palm an avatar of war I combine ‘em to create a thing not seen before Then chastise mankind with this melodious roar And strike you six times with a four by four (six stanzas of sixteen) For following the beast and his voluptuous whore By breaking the oath which at conception you swore Exchangin’ worship for life at the celestial store Now you deify cash and place it at the fore’. Do you actually think this is the time to try to obtain more When tribulation’s comin’ worse than a forty-day downpour? I say I’m the best ’cause it’s a necessary tradition Necessary in one way it makes more fools listen If I didn’t the majority would never hear my fission So the desire for acclaim puts my sickness in remission And I’m undoubtedly sick with a rarely seen condition Known as intelligence the symptom’s this emission It’s said a thousand words is a kind of vision So using text to draw has become my present mission Weaving sounds ‘till I’m called the poetic arch-magician Rhymes so authoritative they’re referenced by edition I thrust my views abroad and other’s into submission So I deserve a crown - to refute that is sedition Lighting flashes before I speak - heed that premonition Persist in your defiance and you’ll require a mortician. ‘Cause you can test me by platoon, company, battalion, regiment or division I’ll still vanquish each opponent I never need a coalition. My sole purpose is to make you remember my name I’m not concerned with fortune but only with fame I’d rather have momentary glory than monetary gain The rewards are worth it so I persevere through pain Body riddled with splinters from traveling ‘gainst the grain They might reduce velocity but they can’t stop this train The ripples move outward like puddles receiving rain Hopefully for you things will never be the same ‘Cause my verbalizations leave a clearly visible stain On the neural pathways of a shrewd hearer’s brain Truthfully this couldn’t be a picture it’s only a frame The dye comes from you I’m simply the weathervane Pointin’ out the bearing which you should maintain I really hope you listen but I’m already free of blame. ‘Cause my robes have been made whiter than the purest cocaine Since I’ve washed them in the blood of the demons I’ve slain. Now I demonstrated my power let me show my agility I round the two out with natural born ability Then throw in precious wisdom for practical utility So you know battling me is an exercise in futility Always remember to approach me with humility Next bow - then kneel - lastly swear fealty Be a loyal vassal and I might share some realty Even mention your name within my soliloquy But I never show fear of men or devils Blessed with the faith of a loyalist facing rebels Willin’ to engage the enemy at all known levels At the mental state I remove clutch and brake pedals Thus eternally disrupting ignorance induced revels In the flesh I make foes dust and scatter rose petals ‘Cause I fight for king and country not for chest medals So you’ll always see my silhouette as the dust settles. Now I’m starting to rip faster so try to keep up Who’s really your master if your soul’s corrupt You’re heading for disaster and you still wan’na fuck Don’t cry to your pastor when you finally get stuck In that last narrow gate after the cramped path Take a look at your slate and you do the math You’re earning your fate so prepare for God’s wrath Now it’s almost too late for you to take a bath You’re saturated to the bone with blood and dirt Now you can moan but you should’a stayed alert By reading the holy tome your calamity to avert You want a time loan - that’s not the way it’ll work These rappers you admire aren’t even worth a cent If that number’s forty-nine higher it’s still irrelevant Why would you ever aspire to be a player or pimp I’m trying to be a survivor that’s why I take a hint. I’m denyin’ Death’s door like a monitor (Komodo dragon) That’s a surviving dinosaur still upon this shore Or maybe a man-at-war who’s tryin’ even the score Making y’all abhor the state of rap’s décor With hands covered in gore I’m the eternal matador Got infinite ammunition and custodial permission And the further addition of a divine commission To cause the abolition of every artificial Christian Then cosign them to perdition with no chance of petition For makin’ the decision to ignore this admonition To me it’s plain that your actions proclaim You feel no shame to be a descendent of Cain If you think in that vein you’ll never obtain The right to retain your domain on Earth’s terrain So play your game and prepare for the flame But this last line of mine is a sign of the divine mind behind the design of mankind. Now if you wish - you can refute the evident reality At least that - would suit your ignorant personality Screw it, play some Chingy and go have fun I’m weary of speakin’ to the deaf and dumb. CHORUS: (2x) Don’t avert your ear as my words are spoken Tremble in fear ‘cause I’m certainly not jokin’ Be stunned by what you hear but this is just a token The end draws near - the last god’s awoken. Last edited by SMZ : 02-10-04 at 03:12 PM. |
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02-05-04, 10:54 AM | #2 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: 386A 9C28
aite this was a good drop, very creative on the vocab
structure stayed strong thought out, s'all good flow was good, but a big long but all good check out my song - http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=112106 and the beat that goes with it -http://www.soundclick.com/bands/5/mcrussie.htm laterz
__________________
Mc_Russie <imgrc="http://www.hostultra.com/~Russielloyd/Mc%20Russie3.JPG"border=0>
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02-05-04, 10:57 AM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Russie...
No way did you read that... Im not even going to read it... SMZ... Please dont drop something this long in future... Nobody will read it... Try again... Pz... |
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02-05-04, 11:01 AM | #4 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: 386A 9C28
yeah, cos u would know that wouldnt u,
i need to pass sum time, so i did read it
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Mc_Russie <imgrc="http://www.hostultra.com/~Russielloyd/Mc%20Russie3.JPG"border=0>
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02-05-04, 11:05 AM | #5 | ||||||||
Flyweight
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IP: 4577 CD9A
Quote:
What are you talking about? I've seen several others post extended rhymes - I just looked at several of Penskillz. A true mark of ignorance is a refusal to take new information in. How are you going to tell me to "try again" when you haven't read my shit? Why don't you start reading it - if it's bullshit then stop and say so, if it isn't keep reading and you might learn something. Thnx for feedback Mc_Russie I'll check out yours in a sec. |
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02-05-04, 11:14 AM | #6 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
That told me...
*Diss List now Updated* Congratulations... You made it... Read the first verse... This would be suited to garage... Not rap... Ive done garage for many a year... Lol... This would suit garage nicely... Well Done... OUT Last edited by .:FreemaN:. : 02-05-04 at 11:16 AM. |
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02-05-04, 11:16 AM | #7 | ||||||
Banned: Spamming
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IP: 8633 BD8F
yea shut up smz, who u think oyu are you only have 9 posts. when you hit 100 then you can start tellin vets what to do. blap. no beef tho :-)
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02-05-04, 11:21 AM | #8 | |||
"The Eleete"
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IP: FAD9 BD2A
I took the time to read this...........an it was very good......the vocab was insane......some crazy lines........some i havent seen thought of.....Ex:
I’m denyin’ Death’s door like a monitor That’s a surviving dinosaur still upon this shore--Interesting line! You have the vocab, i wonder what this would sound like an audio.....i bet itd be tight wit the right beat! peace! |
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02-05-04, 11:28 AM | #9 | |||||||
Flyweight
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IP: 4577 CD9A
Timeless I don't suck dick so when someone tells me my stuff needs work without reading it I get offended. And when I get offended I say something. I got no beef with Freeman or anybody - just want people to give me some feedback on my stuff.
Freeman I wasn't trying to "tell you". Like I said I just want some feedback. So please stop acting like the soveriegn judge laying the smackdown on the newbie. I'd like to get better, since you said my verse sucks please explain to me how, so that I can improve instead of just telling me that it sucks. |
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02-05-04, 11:41 AM | #10 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Never said that it sucked man...
Read what ive wrote... This is suited to garage because of the rhyme scheme... That is not saying that it sucked... Garage is good... A should know... Lol... My advice for you is... Try a different rhyme scheme... Rhyme every 2 lines to start with... But not how you did in this piece... Reminds me of Garage so much... Lol... It had some nice concepts... But the rhyme scheme lets this one down... It seems to me... Maybe... Tha you used an online dictionary for this piece? Most of the words in that verse... They are not very common in conversation... Or in anything really... So did you use a dictionary or something? |
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02-05-04, 11:45 AM | #11 | |||
"The Eleete"
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IP: FAD9 BD2A
^^^Freeman, I agree^^^
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02-05-04, 11:49 AM | #12 | ||||||
Banned: Spamming
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IP: 8633 BD8F
yea, sorry i didnt mean to give ya beef, but dont lash out at people on here. i think its ok actually.
peace |
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02-05-04, 12:35 PM | #13 | |||||||
Veteran
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IP: FF89 3C60
Nice to see you're using your rhyming dictionary...
However, after reading the first stanza... I didn't want to continue reading what I see as a exercise in, "Look at all the big words I know" And... "Read about how great I am" This took the self prop verse to an all new low... All because you had way, way too much time on your hands. And you can ask around, I'm never this curt with feedback, but I feel you deserved it for the marathon of "me".
__________________
Merkings will occur Monday thru Friday, 8 am thru 5 pm, C.S.T. For my convenience, not yours! |
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02-05-04, 01:31 PM | #14 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
You crack me up man... Lol...
Funny... Basically what a was trying to say... Except a was skipping around the point to much... Lol... Funny man... Pz |
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02-05-04, 02:45 PM | #15 | |||||||||||
Flyweight
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IP: 399E F0FD
Quote:
I've always read alot so all those words are from my head. If I use a thesaurus it's to try to change structure after I've already written it. Meaning the rhymes are all from my head but the internal words might be from a thesaurus. But I don't use words I don't know. Quote:
That's not the intent. Rather I like to condense my material as much as possible. If one word can say what it would take several to do, then I'll use the one. ie: I could of said, "I did that because I like to put as much meaning as possible into each word as I can.", instead of saying "rather" and "condense". Quote:
This is an introductory piece. That's why it says my name, and then explains that name. The second verse explains why I came out like that right away. And the subject is much more about the need for people to elevate their minds, the pitiful condition of popular rap music and the fact that more people need to put their attention on God. Quote:
You know I'm refering to a Komodo dragon right? Oh yeah and Freeman could you give me an example of the 2line rhyme scheme your refering to? And remember I'm new - so what's garage? Thnx. Last edited by SMZ : 02-05-04 at 03:03 PM. |
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