![]() |
|
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|||||||
New to RB
|
louise (my first poem on here)
IP: 072B 152E
As she comes to the doorstep she brushes her hair,
across her face so that no-one will stare, at the cuts and bruises that she has to wear, she hides her face as she goes up stairs, her mum doesnt look as if she cares, she passes her brothers door on the way to hers he's wotchin football, chelsea v spurs, he turns around as she tries to hide the blood that is on her side, "who hit you?" her brother cries "i didnt get hit" she denies "i fell over" the 13 year old lies, she limps away into her room, hoping this abuse will stop soon. the morning came once again, but this little girl was still in pain, she thinks to herself, "how can i love him if he does this to me?" "ive known him all my life, hes not how he used to be" she decides to get up and ready for school, even though she still loves him, she thinks shes a fool. first she gets dressed and then brushes her teath, she puts make-up on, the cuts underneath. she has some toast, and then some more, then walks out of the fronte door, she doesnt say bye to her family shes still got those cuts, what if they see? while she is in school she starts to think, she stares at the wall without a blink, she could fly away if she had wings she decides she has to change things so after school, on that day, little louise went a different way, when she got home she found some rope poor little louise had given up hope, she tide the rope to a tree, after this, she thought she'd be free, she tide it to her neck, and jumped, now the blood in louise's body, no longer pumped. tell me wot u think plz peepz.
__________________
<center><marquee behavior=scroll direction="left"scrollamount="5"><font size="2" color=GREEN><table style=filter:GLOW(color=RED)>You wonna battale? You beat around the bush like your scared to lick pussy so you eat around the tush!!</table></marquee></center> I like girls, i like girls alot, i like girls that like girls even more so ![]() |
|||||||
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
||||||
Guest
|
IP: B681 7583
dawg that was good, i think you coulda made it a
lil more deep and felt but in other words it was good |
||||||
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|||||||
New to RB
|
IP: 072B 152E
thanx, i see wot u mean about makin it a little more deep, just wait for my lext 1 lol
__________________
<center><marquee behavior=scroll direction="left"scrollamount="5"><font size="2" color=GREEN><table style=filter:GLOW(color=RED)>You wonna battale? You beat around the bush like your scared to lick pussy so you eat around the tush!!</table></marquee></center> I like girls, i like girls alot, i like girls that like girls even more so ![]() |
|||||||
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
||||||
Guest
|
IP: 84B7 08E9
I felt you started off well. Using a certain amount of simplicity, you explored the 'subject' well.
But then, the last stanza was just off. I felt you should've explained the situatin further before she hung herself. Gone more in depth, instead of suddenly going to it. ...resp.. By the way: If you want more replies, you should reply to others. North Wales? Heh. Some great views though. You speak Welsh? Last edited by varentao : 07-22-03 at 02:12 PM. |
||||||
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|||||||
Tampons are expensive
|
IP: EF0A E7B2
Shiznit's Thoughts:
The introduction set the whole scene straight and just started the story using plain refined words. As i read it..i actually liked the dialogue along the lines. It made it sort of unique at some points. The essense of terminology didnt quite work out that well but u make it a point that ur trying to put in more to make it understandable. If you couldve throw in a couple of deep words here and there..that might be better. The flow and rhyme scheme was alright..some lines just actually didnt fit in at some parts but some made it through. nice job. The content was very emotional but the fact that ive read some similar stuff that ended to death is sorta getting too typical for me. but its fun reading this.
__________________
<br><br><center>- Shiznit - - Tampons are still expensive - - That's a Fact - </center> |
|||||||
![]() |
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|||||||
New to RB
|
IP: 24A3 0EF0
varentao - no, i cant speak welsh, and i live in the part of wales where there aint really much to see lol thanx for ur comments, ill take them into account in my next poem.
Shiznit's - thanx for that, i thought that some parts of it didnt fit properly aswell, can i ask sumink? how u come up with things like "the essence of terminology"? thats well good, i would love to use words like that wen i talk.
__________________
<center><marquee behavior=scroll direction="left"scrollamount="5"><font size="2" color=GREEN><table style=filter:GLOW(color=RED)>You wonna battale? You beat around the bush like your scared to lick pussy so you eat around the tush!!</table></marquee></center> I like girls, i like girls alot, i like girls that like girls even more so ![]() |
|||||||
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
||||||
Guest
|
IP: 147D D655
ShizNitz : : Your right totaly!
Assid Rane : : Personaly overall view i thought it was spot on dawg.......... Again some lines/words didnt seem correct and there are more suitable words to use, but i enjoyed reading it, i am looking forward to see what you come up with next. Peace Out! |
||||||
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|||||||
New to RB
|
IP: 24A3 0EF0
thanx m8, i apriciate it, the next 1 will be better bud
__________________
<center><marquee behavior=scroll direction="left"scrollamount="5"><font size="2" color=GREEN><table style=filter:GLOW(color=RED)>You wonna battale? You beat around the bush like your scared to lick pussy so you eat around the tush!!</table></marquee></center> I like girls, i like girls alot, i like girls that like girls even more so ![]() |
|||||||
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|||||||
Special Ghost To Blow
|
IP: 4577 CD9A
This Was An Okay Read But Rather Simple..
Some More Wordplay May Have Made It More Interesting Or Stand Out From The Millions Of Other Writes Like This. You Might Agree Or Disagre But You Could Have Made This A Lot Better If You Let The Descriptive Part Of You Coincide With Your Lyrics..It Didnt Show Up Here But It Wasnt Bad Peace |
|||||||
![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() ![]() |
![]() |
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|