|
|
|
|
| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
10-13-03, 12:58 AM
|
#1
|
||||||
|
Guest
|
my #1 fan
IP: 0BB1 EEDA
this is my second song and this one is made out of hate
you said i was number 1, but now all you do is make fun/ you lie to me you broke your promise, now i know you were never honest/ i wasted my time i thought you were true, i guess lieing is the only thing that you do/ i guess it was just a game for you, other people told me they were in it too/ i was just a part of your evil game, i know from now on you will stay the same/ ill always be your number 1 fan, thats the biggest lie ever oh man/ i dont need you i can make it on my own, i will never give you my heart to loan/ i guess i might as well end it now/good bye world POW its short but thats the best i can do right now |
||||||
|
|
10-13-03, 01:01 AM
|
#2
|
|||||||
|
Banned for being stupid
|
IP: 95C5 EAD6
first, thats not a song, its a verse, songs have hooks, but for a VERSE that was pretty weak, u used simple words to rhyme, while u had multis, they were all simple like i just said, ur structure and flow were pretty good, but ima say to improve ur post the most, make it a little longer, and elevate on ur use of words, u got ability homie, just keep workin at it.
peace........ |
|||||||
 
|
|
|
10-13-03, 01:05 AM
|
#3
|
||||||
|
Guest
|
IP: 0BB1 EEDA
like i said i made this fast and directly out of hate and anger i had a rough night so i thought i should put it down on paper
|
||||||
|
|
|
10-13-03, 01:08 AM
|
#4
|
|||||||
|
Banned for being stupid
|
IP: 95C5 EAD6
^^^i never said nothin bout that, i just said it wasnt a song, no beef homie, just pointin out the facts, no hate though, keep droppin ur shit.
peace...... |
|||||||
|
|
|
|
10-13-03, 01:12 AM
|
#5
|
||||||
|
BANNED
|
IP: 77C4 856F
^^ no i think that was beef dawg u want a battle wit dis man i can tell and it was pretty weak all of it the vocab and all
|
||||||
|
|
|
10-13-03, 01:15 AM
|
#6
|
|||||||
|
Banned for being stupid
|
IP: 95C5 EAD6
^^^shut the hell up, i was givin constructive criticism dumbass not beefin wit him, id rather merk u for the second time, but i aint beefin wit u dmoney keep droppin holmes......
peace....... |
|||||||
|
|
|
|
10-13-03, 03:00 AM
|
#7
|
|||||||
|
Light Weight
|
IP: 9EBD 5113
it was not that excitin to me
more action more detial multis'
__________________
MAC4LIFE, M.multis A.authority C.commitment,MFL Pacaso mac the Baskin Robbins Street(hustla tryin to scoop up this ice and cream) |
|||||||
|
|
|
10-13-03, 11:31 AM
|
#8
|
||||||
|
Guest
|
IP: 0BB1 EEDA
thanks everyone
|
||||||
|
|
|
10-13-03, 11:38 AM
|
#9
|
||||||
|
Guest
|
IP: 263C 8B97
You need to elevate your vocab, it was way to simplistic here, but it's your second piece so i can't really hold much against you. God knows my shit was worse when i started.
Structure it more, try to make the bars the same legnth basically all the way throught. eg...instead of: you said i was number 1, but now all you do is make fun/ you lie to me you broke your promise, now i know you were never honest/ try: You claimed I Was Soley Number 1, All You Do Is Humiliate... Your Unmorally Dishonest, With You - I Don't Wanna Affilate... see, flows alot better. Was o..k for a 2nd piece though. 1/5, but don't take it badly, just keep rhymin'  |
||||||
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
