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12-02-03, 05:15 PM | #1 | ||||||
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Things arent always as they seem
IP: A70C 8BB7
Dry my tears push away the fear,
Never more Drop the pain and leave it there, On the floor Rotting from the outside in, To the core Know the lies and forever try, Believe the lore Close it and throw away the key, Lock the door You gave me hope for tomorrow’s dreams, What was it for? Crucify my personal Jesus, Kill the sins Sleep in my personal hell, The place within Look in the eyes of my personal demon, A evil grin A placid lake that reflects the cell, What does it tell? Screaming to get out, forever free, Hear my yell Lost forever in a twisted dimension, That’s where Ill dwell A soft ray of sunlight strikes my eyes, Awakens me The lies are gone, the truth comes through, I can see Its clear, the demons gone, Away he flees My liberation, the day has come, My decree I blow away the dust, I push away the dirt, Simply me I survived my depression, my self-decimation, Amazingly So I smile as I stand next to god, Shamelessly I ask him a simple question… Why me? He blinks his eyes and then replies “Things aren’t always as they seem.” Last edited by Dr.Gonzo : 12-02-03 at 09:16 PM. |
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12-02-03, 08:24 PM | #2 | ||||||
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IP: DA18 ABFD
sorry wasnt feeling the set up much and it was sort of hard to flow but keep up the work ~ out~
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12-02-03, 08:49 PM | #3 | ||||||
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IP: A70C 8BB7
really...i thought the structure made it unique, instead of the same old bars...
its supposed to be read line...pause..finish Like Crucify my personal Jesus(pause) Kill the sins Sleep in my personal hell(pause) The place within maybe i should of added cammas in those places o well |
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12-02-03, 09:09 PM | #4 | |||||||
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IP: 60B7 59FA
I liked it alot, hopeful, I hafta say. I also did like the pauses you had and commas woulda helped it out alot, but there was somethign missing with the entire thing. I donno. maybe it was the rhyme scheme. Other than that it's dope. i'm no poet, I just review. Keep at it.
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12-02-03, 09:16 PM | #5 | ||||||
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IP: A70C 8BB7
k i added the commas
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12-02-03, 09:25 PM | #6 | ||||||
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IP: DA18 ABFD
ohky sorry am use to reading battles so thats how i read it but yah i get the peause and read thing now.
ohky now sense i get the set up i liked the pause thing but u seem to be wondering to me and it didnt reall attack the subject but more drefeidt around it |
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