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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
04-29-05, 11:21 PM
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#1
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Light Weight
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Walk wit me
IP: 0268 34D0
I dropped this OM a few months ago, but it didn't get much feedback so I'mma do this again This is a lil topical joint I jus came up wit about my Grandfather's death I dropped the phone and sat in silence can’t believe this is real This can’t be anything but life dishin another raw deal No appeals, seems so unreal, so I pinched my left arm Squoze it tight and broke the skin…yeah the shit did some harm So I sighed and dried my tears cuz I’m still in reality Couldn’t rise up to my feet…not in the right mentality So I just sat there for a minute still shocked in disbelief Wish my moms would come and hold me so I could feel some relief . . But wait a second u cats don’t even know the story So I’mma break it down for ya and give God all the glory . . . I’ll skip back about 5 minutes…yeah right there’s about it Sorry…had to press rewind…now we’re back lickety split 1:37 in the a.m. the phone rings…but something isn’t right The tone is agitated as if expressing contrite I awake sluggishly with wintergreen scope on my breath Unaware that this phone call was concerning a death “Hello” is what I said in a deep raspy tone “Is this some kin to Johnny T I’m speaking with on this phone?” All I could think is Oh my God, but “I’m his grandson” is what I said “Well I regret to inform you this but…your grandfather is dead” . . . Fast forward to the wake where mom cries with revere Makes it clear that she’s distraught that her dad is not here It cut my family so deep…the scar left was so severe Everybody broken down cryin, I’m bein strong sheddin no tears I know its o.k. for men to cry but, I’ll do it on my own time Cuz right now my family needs me…life ain’t seemin sublime But God brought me through the pain…lifted me to my feet Showed me Johnny T in a dream helped me to be complete Told me don’t worry bout gramps I got this under control Follow my word, live ya life right and BEHOLD . . Then he opened up the heavens and allowed me to look “You’ll be granted eternal life when we close the pages of ya book” |
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04-29-05, 11:24 PM
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#2
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Light Weight
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IP: 0268 34D0
Last edited by H-N-I-C : 04-29-05 at 11:34 PM. |
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04-30-05, 12:01 AM
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#3
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IP: 0AE0 3B1A
Hm..this was an iight peice..
Structure was good , You had some nice wordplay ,and decent vocab alittle simple but it was okay, ... Topic was good , Concept was good .. I felt it could have been alittle better in feeling , and emotions Maybe elevate your vocab , and wordplay..Try to use better imagery ... Overall this was an iight peice.. keep it up
__________________
The Competition
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05-01-05, 02:19 PM
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#4
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Light Weight
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IP: 0268 34D0
Preciate tha feedback...uppin this
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05-03-05, 12:02 AM
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#5
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Light Weight
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IP: 560F 7FCA
uppin............................................. ......
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05-03-05, 09:34 PM
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#6
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Light Weight
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IP: 0268 34D0
C'mon...can somebody besides tha mod leave some feedback
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05-20-05, 11:04 PM
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#7
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Light Weight
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IP: 28AD 5545
uppin...somebody retrun tha favor
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05-22-05, 02:48 PM
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#8
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Light Weight
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IP: 3240 794D
come on...don't be afraid...leave feed
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05-25-05, 04:23 AM
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#9
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Light Weight
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IP: 3240 794D
It's not goin away.....leave feed
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05-25-05, 07:54 AM
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#10
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Middle Weight
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IP: CF74 5D3A
this was nice write but some people won't leave feed on sad events like this sorry this happened good write doe
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05-25-05, 09:18 AM
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#11
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Odi et Amo
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IP: C9A2 1C80
I think I already read this one, it rings a bell for sure though. Concept has been done before of course but it's a natural reaction to write dramatic events down as a cure for the pain. I like how you portrayed the emotions first without actually telling the readers what had happened. Then you go more into detail with some good imagery as a close-up and afterwards you give a more global view, the family's grief. The piece had a filmic vibe over it in my opinion, it was as if watching a movie with the different scenes. My favorite part is the ending where you are soothed by your deceased grandfather in a dream and where he reveals a part of the afterlife mystery.
Good piece!
__________________
Authentik Intelligence  ...The future is mine... |
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05-26-05, 06:01 PM
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#12
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Light Weight
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IP: 28AD 5545
uppin one mo time.......
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