Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
02-11-04, 09:57 PM | #1 | |||
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Take Flight, Little Bird...
IP: A9A7 727D
i stare deeper
into the puddle of sky on the ground and try to be profound on a daily basis sometimes the radio doesn't make a sound despite my endless tuning of the stations and i want to fly away that is; leap far from here to a place where nothing would be the same I cannot stop thinking of how the feelings would stop sinking once I take flight into the air like so many paper cranes so I fumble with sheet after sheet creating my own future each little bird symbolizing a person or oh so many suitors for Lady Luck, who abandoned me, rather she didn't give a fuck but I sewed up that wound with cold suchers it's nice to meet you though i hope we can be friends I'll make a crane for you if you like ...but I really have to go this musn't be the end because wondering is bad for the psyche these little birds are my only friends and unlike what they pretend... they'll never fly away from me.
__________________
Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
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02-11-04, 10:35 PM | #2 | ||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: 2DF8 44D6
It is so awesome how you don't get replies because people are too busy posting up their own pieces and are physically incapable of returning the favor.....
This was a dope piece, and I had trouble finding the flow but I got it. Matter of fact, this may have been the first piece I read of yours. It was a nice simple piece and there is nothing quite like a longing to be free and get away from it all.....something we can't always have to experience at the moment. However, I think you meant "sutures" and not "suchers" but I could be wrong. |
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02-11-04, 10:44 PM | #3 | |||||||
Flyweight
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IP: 4577 CD9A
Nice piece - I think if vocab was raised a little it would hit harder. Just since the subject of this piece is a feeling - longing - needs words to create that emotion. Think you did alright - just could be improved a bit. Liked your scheme. Hit my "Broken Metamorphosis" if you can.
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02-12-04, 09:00 AM | #4 | ||||||||
one wink
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IP: B691 B3C4
Quote:
GAH!!! I hate these kids who talk about vocab. It's not the fucking world. AND, Maven has vocab, he just knows when and where to use the right words. This piece was simplistic in a poetry type manner. If he had of used any different wording than he did it would have made it sound awkward, and out of place. It just wouldn't have made sense. I still can't figure it out Maven. I've been wracking my brain over it, but I just can't figure out exactly what you were talking about. |
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02-12-04, 12:02 PM | #5 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 24A3 0EF0
this was an interesting piece as ever
loved the opener.. the reflection of the sky in a puddle and then the radio reference..really liked it the filoding of the sheets of paper etc was all dope too somehow i managed to visualise and place myself in the writers position thruout the verse flow was easily latched onto..changed up in a few spots but..eh this was one of those pieces i understood fully..and yet cant figure out what its about exactly poetically written and delivered in a sound way props again i'd appreciate a reply to my Anopheles piece :-) |
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02-12-04, 01:03 PM | #6 | ||||||
Banned
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IP: 64FF 9747
Good*Good
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