Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
05-14-05, 11:01 PM | #1 | |||||
...fuck life.
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leap of fate
IP: 28AD 5545
During the middle of rest
I’m awaken by an unbearable smell, Slowly walking down the stairs While tightly hanging onto the rail. Sweat dripping from my head Causing me to slip and fall down the stairs, Landing violently on the bottom Face to face with excruciating flares. Burning into my flesh And reaching into my lungs, The flame touches my body Causing my left hand to go numb. Quickly running from the brightness To the window standing ahead, Looking over the filled street To see that everyone else has fled. People’s faces fill with horror When they see me inside the building However, what truly frightened them Was that I was only fifteen. Focusing past the glass pane I see men with a large net arrive, All consistently yelling Telling me to hurry and dive. Finding the item closest to me I pick up a firm wooden broom, And began to pound at the window For an escape from this treacherous room. After a few brutal connections The window is finally cracked, However, time is no longer an option So I hurry and take a few steps back. Now my heart begins beating At a very unhealthy pace, While sweat AND tears Cover my entire face. My heart slowly getting faster Continuing to violently pound, I take a few rapid steps forward When I suddenly hear a cracking sound. Yet, ignoring this noise I continue to hastily sprint, Blood pouring from my torso As my flesh and the glass hit. The jump that will decide my fate One foot in the room and one foot out, I look down only to see the Firemen scurry… ………………………………........ Floor by floor the structure falls to the ground. *done quickly* |
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05-15-05, 07:00 AM | #2 | ||||
Odi et Amo
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IP: 0E89 9DF2
Excellent piece, I haven't seen the concept before and I absolutely love the title you picked out for it. The pace of the poem is so fast, it really gets you in the story and doesn't let go. The vocabulary was excellent, you found a great balance between complex and basic. I absolutely love the twist in the ending as well, you managed to keep your readers focussed throughout the whole piece due to your wonderful imagery and pure emotion.
Very nice piece, keep it up!
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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05-20-05, 08:30 PM | #3 | |||||||
New to RV
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IP: 3B2E 403D
Uppin...........
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<marquee> FREESTYLKING UN-DA-FEAT-A-BLE....</marquee><bgsound src="<center><BGSOUND SRC="http://home.comcast.net/~pmbeatz3/B.wma"AUTOSTART="TRUE"Loop="infinite"><a href="http://www.source1one.com"> <IMG SRC="http://www.boomspeed.com/jon_got_musi/headbang11.gif"><br>Music Provided By Source1One</center></a> SOUNDCLICK/DaBOSS-SOUTHSIDEBALLAZ |
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05-21-05, 09:39 AM | #4 | |||||||
New to RV
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IP: 3B2E 403D
Uppin...................
__________________
<marquee> FREESTYLKING UN-DA-FEAT-A-BLE....</marquee><bgsound src="<center><BGSOUND SRC="http://home.comcast.net/~pmbeatz3/B.wma"AUTOSTART="TRUE"Loop="infinite"><a href="http://www.source1one.com"> <IMG SRC="http://www.boomspeed.com/jon_got_musi/headbang11.gif"><br>Music Provided By Source1One</center></a> SOUNDCLICK/DaBOSS-SOUTHSIDEBALLAZ |
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05-21-05, 10:24 AM | #5 | ||||
Light Weight
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IP: 0825 899A
Feelin this piece, as DQ said, tha structure is fast paced and keeps you into tha piece. The emotion is amazing. Great Drop.
Overall...8.5/10 RTF on one of tha links in my sig |
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