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Old 04-22-06, 08:40 PM   #1
Mentor
a.k.a prozak
 
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Rapper Or Insane??

IP: 8E7F 1337

Rapper Or Insane

this kid picked up a pen and started writing
said this what he wants instead and just kept on rhyming
the things he must of said had ta be really freightning
cuz people shook their head while he was always smiling
his parents are so upset that they were close to crying
always put off all of his friends like he was in hiding
locked up in a house 24/7 which is enough ta go mental
everything to him was tempting but never successful
burying the truth by pretending he just couldnt let go
he feels useless to society almost like he had no purpose
he never even tried ta see that he wasnt worthless
he keeps on trying with rap somehow he lost his spirit
he cant even spit worth crap but wont stop caring
nobody never gave a damn but he wont stop sharing
some truck pulls up one day with men and white coats
said that i couldnt think straight and its time ta go
my parents said i went insane and that i lost control
they said how i had the impression that i was a rapper
and that i gained lots of depression right on after
they had lots and lots of questions that was unanswered
i even reminded them that i was ok aint like i have no brain
my mind and wisdom really is straight and that im sane
but they wouldnt listen they drove me to the hospital
where mental peoples livin just couldnt even be possible
there's nuthin wrong wit me im seriously alright
im really a rapper......or am i???

Last edited by Algebra : 04-23-06 at 12:15 AM.
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Old 04-22-06, 08:45 PM   #2
Mentor
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there's my links:
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=226779
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=226536

yea this is just a lil piece i did...i felt like storytelling..i based all of this pracitcaly on me but werd up leave feed and i'll RTF

Last edited by Algebra : 04-22-06 at 09:01 PM.
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Old 04-26-06, 05:02 AM   #3
Pains-Ma-Theme
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The flow worked.......and there was some nice bits init.......it was fairly avrage tho

and the story wasent exactly groundbraking was it?

my advie to you...........go buy a dictionary and wen ever ya doin nuffin READ It ya vocab needs work.......

did like it tho and theres potential there for sure
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Old 04-27-06, 12:49 PM   #4
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right......well maybe it cud be a lil more complex but i felt it as a story more than some sick multie madness rhyme lol

8.2/10
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Old 04-30-06, 07:00 PM   #5
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Lmfao..

2/10
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Old 04-30-06, 11:15 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Johnston
Lmfao..

2/10


lmfao that what u get for all ur work together....u cant just fuckin gimme a 2 cuz u got sumthin against me...dumbass that shit dont count...
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Old 05-06-06, 09:50 AM   #7
WhoAmI
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if he thinks you're a 2/10 then he thinks you're a 2/10. get over yourself. someone thinks your wack and that's that now STFU

but anyways now for the feedback

rhyme wise this wasn't that great at all...i think i only saw four bars/lines that even rhymed with each other...story wise i thought it was so-so but i think you shouldn't have made the story as far-fetched as it was, you could have explored the character's emotions and thoughts in more depth, in my opinion. you could have thrown in some decent multies to give the piece more of a rhythm and it would have made it's flow more interesting. also you need to up your vocabulary...

other than that, this was an ok piece, nothing special in my opinion by any means, but an ok piece nonetheless

~peace~
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Old 05-09-06, 11:20 PM   #8
AkHiLeEz_SkYLL
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ok, this piece is more than 2/10 but not by much. the flow is real choppy. no multis. basic rhyming and in a few bars, you didn't rhyme at all. <---some pieces call for that, not yours. as for the story, the creativity behind it was terrible. expand a little? thanks. you're insane for rapping. no pun.
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Old 05-09-06, 11:23 PM   #9
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This shit first off was real real choppy and real etchy man!..work on yor wording and approach shit man. your vocab and emotion is MEH and ok. nothing really spectacular but still this was a real nice drop!.

RTF on the om's in my sig!.
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