kk i wrote this shit 2 jada's animal beat
i wrote this as a diss 2 my ma's bitch made b/f

my ma's gullable ur just an old man thats horny
u'll be in the hospital if i dont make u feel sorry
fallin over obstacles cuz ur knees need WD-40
my ma's in her 40's she didnt exist till u was 14
u cant kick my ass ur legs as skinny as my arms
u aint gon be my dad i'll use your ass for darts
cant put paper in the printer but ur puters full of porn
spend half an hour on the shitter i'll have u shittin corn
if u aint here ta get in her then what u get wit her for
askin her weird questions treating her like she's precious
got me doin this text shit actin like u dunno what sex is
decided ta creep in and check caught ya'll sleepin in bed
bitch ima continue ta beat u red till u aint breathing dead
i'll knock your bitch ass out unless u just shut the fuck up
u had ta give her a house so now u got her ass strung up
im not a thug without doubt but i'll leave ur ass cut up
u actually ready ta die old so muthafucka just die slow
say hello 2 ur GRANDSONS for me...haha

links: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=209395
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=233236

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yupp im working on that as u speak i just gotta do one more open mic ta leave some feed on then i'll post my links

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This is cool,cause its real shit from you. Not made up candy ass bullshit., this is your emotions of how your feeling bout you Ma's man.

ok, main problem I faced with this is simplcity, if i was you Id up my covab and try to get your point across without actually saying what you mean.
Come at the concept from a diffrent angle. read some other open mics, such as the featured open mic (top of open mic forum) and youll get what i mean by coming froma diffrent angle.

Also with your vocab one thing I suggest is to start your lines off with a describing word, this will add alot more emotion...

Example:

Your original bar..
my ma's gullable ur just an old man thats horny
u'll be in the hospital if i dont make u feel sorry


How I would of worded it using a descriptive word at the start..
ignorantly my ma's gullable ur just an old man thats horny
rapdily u'll be in the hospital if i dont make u feel sorry


You can also add more desriptive words in the middle of the bar to add on to the starting emotion.
Also, spell everything correctly bro, just makes your peice more thought out.
So yeh, basically, take time, edit words , switch certain words up with more vocab filled words, and you will be a solid writer bro.
I enjoyed this cause it came from your heart.
Stay dropping, good looks on those links aswell.

-Peace-

^^thanx man i REALLY appreciate real feedback and not just sumthin u rushed ta do
so u can link 2 any of ur pieces...and yea i dont even care how it sounds
cuz as long as i put my soul into it then it'll automatically sound good no matter what
yea keep lookin after my shit and i'll look after yours werd..

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come on ya'll uppin this shit

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I enjoy giving a good blowjob once in a while

i've never even been in the poetic scriptures let alone "fuck it up"
if u gon give a reply get off whatever the hell ur on please

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i like the anger and emotions you put into this but some of it didnt rhyme or make sense

like when you said
u cant kick my ass ur legs as skinny as my arms
u aint gon be my dad i'll use your ass for darts

but overall i liked it so keep it up and give me feed back on mine

still n da struggle-wiley d

normally ur legs are bigger than ur arms right
and my arms are skinny as hell but his legs are just as skinny
thats why i said it cuz he's a scrawny muthafucka

and im sick of him threatning me he gon whip my ass like he's my father
and i just said i'll use him for darts for humour

make more sense now??

anyway thanx for the feed appreciate it

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