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05-03-03, 05:41 AM | #1 | ||||
Kevin Brown
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song for you~
IP: 6FA7 7304
Pen in hand, paper on desk
But I can’t find words that express My insides churn, my outsides shaken I get flashes of the pills I had taken Not much time left so I need to start Let my soul take control; write from the heart She knows I love her but ill make it clear With whispery words written in her ear To sing it to her, I won’t be there But as she reads, my voice she’ll hear My mind going blank, my paper is not But I can’t continue, I lost my thoughts Fall on the floor with sweet pictures in my head Her face repeats with love… goes black… I’m dead
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-Word for Word-
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05-03-03, 06:12 AM | #2 | |||||||
BANNED - Pink Slipped
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IP: 31C6 FEA1
hahaha
best poem i read since i got here, besides my shit if u want critisism then the vocab could have upped, but if u want praise then that shit was bomb |
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05-03-03, 11:02 PM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 103A 8E1F
Damnz,
SUP BABYBOI, HOW U DOIN?? Was diggin this, luven it, tight as!! Fuck vocab , shit flowed nicely , ur emtions came out nice & clear, Props Pz |
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05-05-03, 01:44 AM | #4 | |||||||
BANNED - Pink Slipped
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IP: 7053 0ABB
yea i know fuck vocab, buit some times when i post i want feedback, not just ppl tellin me how ill it was namean?
so basicly i covered it by tellin him how ill it was, and what could be changed to make it better |
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05-05-03, 02:37 AM | #5 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: ADEA 0ABF
Dog that was crazy insane fa real..
Some ILL lines in that man.. Keep doin ya thing man, that was like a short story condensed into a poem, It was really nice man I liked it alot.. |
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05-17-03, 03:00 PM | #6 | ||||
Kevin Brown
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IP: 6FA7 7304
up?
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-Word for Word-
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05-17-03, 06:03 PM | #7 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: BFE5 28C7
Compact yet powerful.
That's hard to do. To put so much in so few lines. And you did it fucking damn well... ..nothing else to say...no need to...it was a good example of what it was (and i tihnk the lack of complex or more 'upper' vocab made it what it was..).. ...resp.... |
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05-18-03, 11:28 AM | #8 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 0A27 50A8
dang. that was crazy. real good post. it flowed and tha words was powerful. tha emotionz shone through. its simplicity made it wat it is. reel nice piece. feelin it mos def.
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05-18-03, 01:36 PM | #9 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: 251A 2268
it is difficult to say a lot in a little space...
you did quite well here. to be picky, a couple questions. There is no explaination to why. 1. he loves her 2. hes killing himself The poem does work very well on it's own...however I have trouble being sympathetic for the character because this all is unexplained... But I did enjoy it, and i think it was good. keep it up Peace
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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale. |
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05-18-03, 01:38 PM | #10 | ||||||
..A New Breed of Femcee..
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IP: C1DA C961
sup Phrantik. You always got nice writez.
This was a tight piece, powerful, mad imagery. Really captivating. Reminded me of a Romeo n Juliet type deal. My favorite line was: >She knows I love her but ill make it clear With whispery words written in her ear To sing it to her, I won’t be there But as she reads, my voice she’ll hear ^That was extremely nice. Really feelin it. Ive been a fan of yours for a while. Youre definately talented. Lookn forward to more from you. Stay up n keep blessin us. Pz |
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05-19-03, 03:18 AM | #11 | |||||
Kevin Brown
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IP: 6FA7 7304
Quote:
thats basically it.. the poem wasnt abotu him loving her or him killing himself.. it was about him writing for her... hence most of the focus there... but if your wondering what i was thinkin, he had aids and didnt want pity or the temptation or the chance that she could get it... thanks everyone...
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05-21-03, 12:12 PM | #12 | ||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 640C 3FBD
Everyone already said what was good on this but I'll go ahead and do it too. When I read stuff like this, then go and try to write, I wonder how in the hell do people get so much emotion with so little words. You did that well here, like everyone already said.
She knows I love her but ill make it clear With whispery words written in her ear To sing it to her, I won’t be there But as she reads, my voice she’ll hear I know DaGyrl already said this but it's the part I liked too. Good post. |
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