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11-08-03, 07:58 PM | #1 | |||||||
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I Can't Fight It
IP: F845 C337
((Responded to Auspicious, ~RaPiDfIrE~, Keys aka Vital))
Uhh.. yeah I wrote this awhile ago to attempt Multis and it was for my friends written.. but he never finished it.. but yeah.. wutchua think? lol Your words are daggers, with each syllable, my stability staggers, You open your mouth, and my blood starts pouring out, Now I've got to choke, I'm feeling the blood backing up inside my throat, I've got no air left in my chest, this pain i'm feeling i can't digest, I can't even cry out for assistance, You're killing me without an ounce of my resistence, I can't fight the white light, I just sit tight, even though its too bright, I shield my eyes, dont even have tears to cry, knowing its just my time, I brought this on myself, didnt ask anyone for a bit of help, It was because of everything you had said, you made me want to be dead, Maybe if you hadn't hurt me like that, I wouldn't have had this as my path, Your words led me down this way, couldn't live my life another day, Your words were a sword, pushin me closer to him, my lord, I stumbled over the edge, who woulda thought I'd end up dead?
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11-08-03, 08:37 PM | #2 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: B709 1978
thaats my girl what u all think
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11-08-03, 10:45 PM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 32D9 0BD3
Not bad..a little more work on you will be on your way.......
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11-08-03, 11:25 PM | #4 | ||||
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IP: CB38 DF07
^ u got the basic concept down..I'ma try to help u a little since I know ur not a rapper..shit maybe u can help me with poetry in return lol....neway I don't wanan give u a bunch of shit in this post I'll just hit u up on AIM
peace
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<center> I.J.L</center> |
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11-08-03, 11:29 PM | #5 | |||||||
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IP: F845 C337
...thanks. You're trying to help me right now and its NOT working. This is why I do poetry..
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11-09-03, 02:39 AM | #6 | ||||
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IP: 71CE 2E84
^ make me feel like a bad teacher lol....trust me you improved a LOT in like the hour that I spent trying to help u out....atleast in my eyes u did...iono if you noticed it or not...anyway I'ma keep working with you as long as you let me....
peace
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<center> I.J.L</center> |
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11-09-03, 03:53 AM | #7 | ||||||
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IP: 85A0 BB32
I def liked this piece, good work.
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11-09-03, 06:48 AM | #8 | ||||||
jjkoert
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IP: 7EA7 0AC8
not bad... not bad at all
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11-09-03, 10:48 AM | #9 | |||||||
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IP: F845 C337
^Thanks... now someone else wanna tell me how to improve?
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11-09-03, 10:52 AM | #10 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 2A26 A9C2
i don't really need to improve that much, but there is always room. i am not a teaching kinda guy. you would smoke me anyday
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11-09-03, 12:01 PM | #11 | ||||
Banned: Permanent
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IP: 5F2A E1C0
Hmm.. Yes, Their Could Be Sum Defninite Improvement.
I Dont Know Much About Poetry But I Am Pretty Sure That Unless You Are Free Versing It Then One Line Has To Rhyme With Another. You Just Went For Internals And Thats It Dont Get Me Wrong, Internals Are ill, But If Their Done Right.. This Style I Blown It.. Looks Kinda Dumb Now Dont It? I Eat Cheese Fries.. And Beat Midgets Up Knee High.. ^ Not What You Want To Be Doing This Style Is Great.. Wait.. I Dont Come Crooked i Come Straight.. Its Fate.. Feel Better Cuz Auspicious Taught You Suttin New Today.. ^ That Is What You Want To Be Doing Just A Lil Advice.. Other Than Not .. Not Bad Take Sum Time To Hit The Ones U Didn't Hit Up Before ClaustrophobicS Present: The Boat Deck ClaustrophobicS Present: The Boat Deck (Alternate Ending) ClaustrophobicS Present: Less Fortunate Mind Is Not Brain Main Down The Stream Hanging On |
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11-09-03, 08:19 PM | #12 | |||||||
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IP: F845 C337
thanks yo...*
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11-09-03, 10:04 PM | #13 | ||||||
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IP: D6C5 64C6
not bad, if you work on the flow a little more
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11-09-03, 10:13 PM | #14 | ||||||
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IP: A1D0 A113
yo9 that was a nyce Peice aiight gurl u gotta work on ya flow a lil aiight Peace (v)
Last edited by -uski- : 11-09-03 at 10:22 PM. |
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11-09-03, 10:20 PM | #15 | |||||||
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IP: F845 C337
hmm my poems flow but i cant get anything else to flow. *Shrugs* good look fam.
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