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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
11-20-03, 11:31 AM
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#1
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New to RB
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New Song
IP: D8DC 87A5
yo this is a new song i wrote
the killin the blood spillin its gotta stop every time i look the corner theres a cop 6 of my boyz done been capped we need to do somethin about this crap the hatin debatin the waitin its just blatent plain to see that the next one in the street could be me kids gettin done in for a nickle of green parents talkin mean with 2 shots in the night out comes the fight black against white shit aint right turf was never ours to begin with just came in and took over guns stickin out the rover people duckin for cover killin our brother we need to elevate not discriminate kill tha hate
__________________
Pain is abscence of tolerance its the emptyness that conqueres the mind body and soul |
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11-20-03, 04:35 PM
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#2
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Guest
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IP: DF7B C8F7
IT'S ITE I SUPPOSE .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .....
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11-20-03, 10:04 PM
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#3
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Flyweight
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IP: D651 CF71
i would have posted this in a place like open mic or something, but w/e, the rhyme seemed forced throughout almost the whole piece, that brought the piece down, the vocab could have been elevated, with a topic that is used so often you should try and bring it with new style and from aother perspective, unless your telling the reader what we've heard time and time again, you know? just a little tip
this was an ok piece, try playin with word usage, and a better rhyme scheme maybe.......not all songs need to follow that but this one seems to need something else ok piece keep elevatin
__________________
~.:Soft Focus:.~ {--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --} {-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-} {--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--} {-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-} { --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--} Poetry Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten Understanding Once Again "It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf." |
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