Remorse and pain struck me hard
tore my heart and soul into shards
to lose this love when its come so far

I asked her if she loved me she replied i dont know
how can i trust the feeling that doesnt show
a feeling that might save me or terr apart my soul

as i asked-the tear was created
do you love me I asked "i dont know" again she stated
how can two feelings so different be so closely related

As far as I knew she could have lied
"is that the end?" i asked and to that she replied
"i guess"-inside i denied
how can this be the end to a love so refined

then the tear started growing
as she stayed quiet my heart started exploding
the tear increased so did my fear started showing
a virus in my soul and my heart the depression began forming

The river commenced to begin
the sadness that flowed thru my eyes down my chin
it hit my wrist and i could feel my heart twist
"love me, love me" damn how i wished

then out of nowhere
she said "i do want to be with u" i just had a blank stare
at first i thought she said the opposite and i just sat scared
then i asked again and she told me she cared

I asked do u love me
she said "I LOVE YOU" my eyes blurred for happiness was all i could see
now i wanted u to hug me, kiss me, and still a desire for love deep

The sheer happiness gave me a present-a tear
this heavenly women was here
as soon as her love re-appeared
my heart was rid of pain misery and fear

once again extasy filled
from now on the love was the only thing my heart thrilled
the pain slowly chilled
and now i feel purely in love-the misery, pain, depression, and fear was killed

i know the structure is a lil off but i just wrote this about 10 mins ago, so i dont care about structure now. this just happened, this poem is about my girl gettin close to breakin up with me....made my heart feel like it was hit by a car

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does anyone got any thing to say about my poem? itll be cool to know watchall think

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good poem, you had a lot of good emotion the structure is off but your wordplay kept it on point this was good cuz it was real...hope everything gets better...peep my poems ye got time thanks mayn

good poem keep it up

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

thanx, da feedback is appreciated. uppin

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good shit man keep ya head up

i found with this piece at the beginning the paragraphs ended to short, they jumped from one point to another, kinda shaky like, but it gets better throu the piece, but you said you didnt write this with structure in mind. your emotions are felt throu this, and shown pretty well. vocab was good. message was strong, and clear. like said, keep your head up!!!!

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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ya, i wrote this fast to get rid of sum stress and to get out sum feelings. didnt care about structure. ima keep tryin

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mm..structure aint an issue in this piece..its good wit out it...like i said to ya..i been there, i kno wat its like but even if i hadnt i would feel the pleasant misery after u posted this..i really like this piece...aint much to say since i already told u how i felt..il be waitin for more..

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my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

good shit

thanx for all the advice hotrod

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what i like the most about these poems. your poem i'd rate a 7/10. it was pretty decent. but, did not show as much emotion as the others i have read. . nice job anyhow, keep it up. would give a longer more detailed reply but im replying to a lot in here now & dont have time. - FM

dat shit was hard i had to read it again

^^^^^your getting banned........nice day

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)