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08-06-06, 01:08 PM | #1 | |
1926
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"Virgin Mary: Surrogate"
IP:
Your toxins tiptoe the hallow
Walkway of this placenta; Spitting stagnant HIV in the Swollen mouths of quarantined. Mrs. maternity leave sucks Down her candy cigarettes; Mmm, smells like teenage suicide. Drink up Mary, virginity Is only a word. Choking on the backward Clouds; dangling from a noose Threaded with heart strings And aerated syringe hymns. Spill you sickened amniotics Across the Vegas sidewalk; Your naked bastard is What sin touches itself to. Sifting subtle flesh shutters, Innocence kissed the air Before black tar filled His fragile body, with the Bane of purity slipping from Two porcelain eyes. The Devil loves to dance. ... that blue eyed baby Jesus opens his palms wide To catch that sultry kiss From a passing whore. The two dance in circles Faster! Faster! Faster! Waltzing crop circles into Mommy's spine, they dance On the eighth octave of Of a frantic mother's scream! Her tears trample muddy skies Before taking pace along The Mississippi gorge, And pouring shattered Hearts in the key hole Of Pandora's box. This child is a shining star; In the center of the 9th gate... Run little one, we've Got hell to raise. |
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08-08-06, 03:46 AM | #2 | ||
I have a lot to learn...
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IP:
Man... That was fucking dope.
Loved the imagery, loved your choice of words, loved the concept. It was kind of a shocking poem. A lot of... I dunno how to put it, like you juxtaposed holyness with the scum of earth or evil. It was good shit man... Good shit.
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08-15-06, 05:26 AM | #3 | |
Flyweight
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IP:
Good Piece....Emotion and Imagery was tight....Vocabulary was good and your flow was good.....overall nice job.
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08-21-06, 02:26 AM | #4 | |
Above Originality
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IP:
The Devil loves to dance.
... that blue eyed baby Jesus opens his palms wide To catch that sultry kiss From a passing whore. The two dance in circles Faster! Faster! Faster! Waltzing crop circles into Mommy's spine, they dance On the eighth octave of Of a frantic mother's scream! Her tears trample muddy skies Before taking pace along The Mississippi gorge, And pouring shattered Hearts in the key hole Of Pandora's box. This child is a shining star; In the center of the 9th gate... Run little one, we've Got hell to raise. ^^ loved this part....really really nice emotion atti also your content was AMAZING man i liked this piece very well due to the fact that you mad everything mesh and blend and nothing forced in any means what so ever ya know...you had it going good and you never stopped!. RTF on the link in my sig please myself
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future Last edited by Omega. : 08-24-06 at 04:19 AM. |
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08-24-06, 12:14 AM | #5 | ||
Light Weight
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IP:
I liked this piece man, not as much as some of your others but I feel the emotion here. It's about an expectant mother ruining the life of her child before said "life" actually begins.. What a shame. Nice piece though, well structured and good use of words to keep the reader's attention.
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Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face? |
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08-28-06, 07:14 PM | #6 | |
New to RV
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IP:
damn man, i love this peice... so.... a-fucken-mazing
ya words were so well used, and ur punctuations were placed so well... everything flowed great i cant believe there is anyone out there who can actually write like that, hot damn kid, ur fa'real
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B - E - Z ~Wun~ |
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08-28-06, 08:08 PM | #7 | |
1926
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IP:
Thanks man, I appreciate the feedback.
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