Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
|
04-10-06, 12:24 PM | #1 | ||
New to RV
|
Blood On My Hands
IP:
at a young age, I was seeing things I wasn't suppose to see
Dead bodies Left and right gettin bagged up like groceries Always afraid to come up.... bullet strays gettin sprayed in the air like potpourri Over weed potency I lost alot of my boys that were close to me so as a Dope emcee.... I aspired to keep my mind wired, and escape poverty Obviously the democracy treatin me obsolete Bothered me especially when my lil man's... who I watched grow up from the 1st to 8th grade got grazed by tre's that sprayed closed enuff to surf his waves dazed.. for a second I catch my breath-and run to his side heard the niggas jump in the car and drive,... I cried I yelled Ty.. CAN YOU HEAR ME??, his lids Covered his eyes squeezin his palms, Holdin his life in my arms, UR NOT GONNA DIE paramedic's arrive giving anesthetics, askin if he's diabetic Screamin get him to the hopsital, Ur movin slow this is pathetic 1 of them sayin he don't stand a chance, I say damn and glance thinkin back.... to when we were little, watchin him imitate the hammer dance his life flashin before my eyes, before I realize we at the hospital doctors workin on him Crazy, even though they say him pullin through isn't gonna be possible got him hooked to the machine, all I can do is dream of the things from the past, it never seemed it would last then all of a sudden I seen a beam of light come in to sight..... his body shook softly, I ran to give a Hug and Glance My brother was dead... and there I was with his "Blood on My hands"....DAMN http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=225729 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=225856 |
||
04-11-06, 07:12 AM | #2 | ||
New to RV
|
IP:
....****Yawns****
|
||
04-13-06, 05:37 PM | #3 | ||
New to RV
|
IP:
this is fuckin crazy
|
||
04-16-06, 11:14 PM | #4 | ||
New to RV
|
IP:
this site is lookin mighty weak
|
||
04-17-06, 02:18 AM | #5 | ||
Light Weight
|
IP:
Alright bro, I liked your other piece more than this one. The piece was a pretty good read as you established a cool flow and imagery from the start. Some of the similies you used were good throughout the piece ie "bodys bagged up like groceries". Thought your vocab was good and suited the piece. Overall, I don't think your intention is just to leave this piece on paper. Be honest, this wasn't creative writing. Grab yourself a mic and lay it on a track because it's where it would look at it's best. Typically, audio tracks and and pieces that were meant to be written have very different qualities and this was definately for audio. For example, if this was meant to be a written, it probably would have been more vague and make the reader go hmm, you'd also throw a few twists in the storyline. For audio, the piece is meant to entertain and provide more imagery for the listener to go "damn" this is what this piece has the potential to do. run with it. Also, good use of internals. peace.
__________________
Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face? |
||
04-21-06, 04:15 PM | #6 | ||
New to RV
|
IP:
thats coo......
|
||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|