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01-11-06, 12:01 PM | #1 | ||
Banned: Cheating
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Code Red Topical
IP:
I Did This Topical For Sapient Speech Tournament.....
An Elderly Lady Turns The Knob On Her Radio To Change Stations When She Reaches A Broadcast On War Througout The Nation Nurshuring Her Flowers Under A Cold And Windy Friday She Looks Around, No Vehicles Or Life Rollin On The Highway So It Must Be A Story, It's Simply A Tale Of The First World War She Picks Up Her Water Container And Makes Way To Her Door Holding The Radio Still In The Same Broadcast, Interesting It Is It Reminds Me Of Tales, Like Those Stories You Tell To Your Kids She Takes It For Granted And Goes On With Her Business Baking Cookies For She'll Soon Go Out, Wait....What Is This? "I Advice Everyone To Stay At Home" hhmmm, It Sound So Real Ha, It's Only A Story, How Can I Think War's In Our Presence But She Grew Nervous After Each Pause To A New Sentence Cautiously Waiting To See What Would Happen Next She Changed The Station, It's Probably A Tribute To War Vets Listening To Her Favorite Swinging Music, She Finally Found It! The Answer, Code Red! This In An Important Annoucement! We Have Entered War And Have Just Been Striked At Pearl Harbor The Shock Couldn't Have Been Grater Or Stuck Harder She Realised That What She Had Been Listenin To Was A Warning For What She Would Soon Hear, Screaming And Moaning She Steppped Out To Find A Japanese Plain Swoosh Over Her And Her Radio Breaks In To A Statement By The Governer ' It's A Sad Day In America" As Bombs Rush Through Walls And Buildings Snaping Bones, Shattering Skulls Of Mothers And Children.....It Was A Code Red! |
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01-11-06, 03:05 PM | #2 | |
Whys That?
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IP:
2 links.
this is good bro, alot of vocab used thru out aswell as some good imagery. |
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01-11-06, 03:09 PM | #3 | ||
Banned: Cheating
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IP:
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01-11-06, 06:02 PM | #4 | ||
Banned: Cheating
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IP:
uppin for more feedback..........
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01-11-06, 06:32 PM | #5 | |
Bann The Deed NOT The Breed
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IP:
good idea . oh wait i gave t to you lol
vocab was good but wtf at ur spelling ur worse then ysdat lmao flow was ok some lines like didnt rhyme structure was on point solid drop
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O.Y.D. |
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01-11-06, 09:17 PM | #6 | |||
The Topical Juggernaut
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IP:
Quote:
Bullshit! I gave him the idea.
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Blow It - Topical -=Respect List=-
Crhyme Sindicate The unexamined life is not worth living.
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01-11-06, 10:22 PM | #7 | ||
Banned: Cheating
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IP:
Lmao....both of you did...............
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01-12-06, 07:31 PM | #8 | ||
Whys That?
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IP:
Quote:
hey my spellings good! go back to fucking yourself with your dildo, bitch! |
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01-11-06, 08:42 PM | #9 | ||
in your system
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IP:
yeah, spelling and grammar was bad, but not a bad piece, good way to angle it, because i know its a shitty topic...haha, but yeah, good stuff, the presence line was my favourite...but yeah, make sure you write with clarity and precision, dont dippsie doodle on lines, dont waste em, have every one contribute to your storyline, if you know what i mean, good stuff, and keep up man
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this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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01-12-06, 07:50 AM | #10 | ||
Black Poet
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IP:
I thought this was alright Tech, uping some vocab but don't really worry
about spellings at the moment its only a open mic. I thought the story was well written, but kind of dragged you could have gone into more depth with the Japanese attack. Also on topicals try and paint a better picture, the smell of the plane when it passed her the sounds,... more emotion.. if u know what I mean. Flow was alright but u kind of lost it at times, and the end didnt rhyme, the end let it down abit I know the topic is code red but u dont have to close with it. This was good so keep writing fams, if u wanna do a colab or something holla at me. Stay up 1~ |
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01-12-06, 10:38 AM | #11 | ||
Banned: Cheating
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IP:
aight man, thanks for the feedback critic......sure will do.
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01-12-06, 04:06 PM | #12 | ||
Light Weight
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IP:
hey dawg that was some crazy shit i imagined the whole thing ol granny sitting there listening to her music then all assuden boom she starts hearing bombs and shit and finds out it ain't all just a joke that shit was raw but if you get the chance hit up my at 16 verse dopest shit i wrote yet but good drop 8/10
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01-12-06, 05:52 PM | #13 | |
Bann The Deed NOT The Breed
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IP:
i gave it to him before you even got on metnalz lol
__________________
O.Y.D. |
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01-12-06, 06:32 PM | #14 | ||
Banned: Cheating
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IP:
now don't argue my hoes, it's ok......lol, thanks for the feed lil s
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01-12-06, 06:44 PM | #15 | ||
Banned: Cheating
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IP:
Nice job tech, real good descriptions.....
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