Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
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01-14-05, 12:03 AM | #1 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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Wish You Were Here
IP:
I wish you were here Papa, to see me now
I wish you were here to see how we all turned out I wish you were here to keep our family together BUt i know no one stays alive forever Your time had came and i guess that's how GOD wanted it You wanted our family to stay together but you haven't gotten it There was no stoppin it, no stoppin your death You were so close to seein me born, seein my 1st footsteps But i'm sure you look down on us from heaven Talked to my mom she left havin no clue how close your death was gettin But i still wish you could be hear with us Between our family there's no trust But if you were here you could stop it But it won't happen so i guess i can drop it But only if you was still with us, i'd have no fears Oh how i just wish you were here If you was still here, i swear we'd all change End the constant heartbreaks there'd be no pain But things get better and i have no worries Our family is slowly gettin tofether, i wish they'd hurry The family's lost souls floatin in a fish bowl We unfold anger in a world so cold You could've kept blue skies from pain You could've stopped the sunny day from rain But i know we can't change or relive the past Livin in the past is just puttin your heart in a trap A trap that the devil takes over without a sound The family grows apart and runs thru the same grounds We go down in a twisted devistating way We stay apart for days and days Months to months, years to years Nothings ok we've shed unneccesary tears My only heroes are now ghosts Only spirits that roam around and float But only if you was still with us, i'd have no fears Oh how i just wish you were here If you was still here, i swear we'd all change End the constant heartbreaks there'd be no pain But things get better and i have no worries Our family is slowly gettin tofether, i wish they'd hurry Papa don't worry we're on the right road now The family is together in a way goin to church now And who would've thought Micheal would've got us together Sad part is he may be gone for what seems like forever Uncle Chris is recovered from an amazing accident He was in the trauma unit he came back and then Everything was ok, no concusion or broken bones Just a black eye and that just goes to show Miracles are possible, we must have a guardian angel I look at every possibility from ever posible angle Things are still fragile not together all the way yet We work with the pieces you left and take another step Every breath we take we take we have you on our mind Everyone especially my mom wants to undo time But only if you was still with us, we'd have no fears Oh how i just wish you were here
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01-14-05, 02:03 AM | #2 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
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01-14-05, 05:06 PM | #3 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
uppin this shit i want some feedback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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01-14-05, 05:18 PM | #4 | ||
Knock out kings fur life
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IP:
it was a str8 peace but keep working on using more vocab and work on ur multis homes I see what u where trying to say but over all I give it a
8.6/10 here are the peaces I liked. The family's lost souls floatin in a fish bowl We unfold anger in a world so cold You could've kept blue skies from pain You could've stopped the sunny day from rain But i know we can't change or relive the past Livin in the past is just puttin your heart in a trap A trap that the devil takes over without a sound The family grows apart and runs thru the same grounds |
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01-14-05, 05:23 PM | #5 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
thanx man.....if you want favors returned then drop a mic to your OM and i will.....but thanx uppin for more feedback
peace
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01-15-05, 02:42 PM | #6 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
uppin.............................................
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01-24-05, 12:57 AM | #7 | ||
I have a lot to learn...
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IP:
Man i was feelin this shit. You got your shit across hella well. Nice emotion. Flow was a little short at some points, but not too big of a deal.
This is some shit we can all relate to. It doesnt have to have happened, but we know what it would feel like if it did. Nothin else wrong with it really... structure was fine... maybe up ya vocab a little but that happens with time. 9/10 one
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01-24-05, 01:10 AM | #8 | ||
Ask About Me
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IP:
shit had emotion but it was boring......i feel what your going thrugh but damn up your vocab and tyr to use more image and shitlike that so i can tell exactly what is happening and how ou are feeling....
use more sensary details like SMELL, TASTE, HEAR...shit like that
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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01-24-05, 01:19 AM | #9 | ||
Life is a Constant Battle
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votin
IP:
ok it had alot of emotion which is what you need in a topical piece but you also needed just alittle more creativity or multis to back up on the sensory. You gained points i thought your personal and emotion put into the piece but ya have to hit it from all angles is what dj and the other kat was sayin over all i give ya 8 outta 10 but it was pretty dope tear jerker...haha big ups kid
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B.Wall O.G. |
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01-24-05, 01:14 AM | #10 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
thanx for the "constructive" crit.....uppin for more feed come on i want some feed on this really bad for some reason lol
thax for the feed so far
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01-24-05, 01:22 AM | #11 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
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01-24-05, 01:24 AM | #12 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
hey people drop links if you want favors returned
favor will be returned
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01-24-05, 01:41 AM | #13 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
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01-24-05, 01:42 AM | #14 | ||
Detrimental Thoughts
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IP:
uppin people come on now can't stop now!!!!! more feed please
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01-24-05, 11:31 AM | #15 | ||
Flyweight
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IP:
real good, that really was some good shit, emotional. good job dawg, 9/10-10/10
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Vote on my battles, and I'll return the favor me vs Jay Kal http://community.rapverse.com/showbattlethread.php?p=1945091&posted=1 me vs parralel (crew battle TE vs NOK) http://community.rapverse.com/showbattlethread.php?t=177669 |
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