I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" -- Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet. -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. -- Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. -- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. -- Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. -- Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference." -- Emo Phillips


Anyone else have more Emo Phillips quotes?

lmao..dope..

who's Emo Phillips..?

^he's this commedian dude with a really funny voice.

"I was walking home from school when I was a child, and I passed a constuction site. I stopped to watch for a while, and I think the workers were getting angry with me. The man hammering on the room called me a dirty little bastard....in morse code"-Emoizzle my nizzle

__________________
Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis

I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?" I said, "Ah, yes and no."

She sends me to the principal, and I get to his office and I sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "How would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "Well, I don't know if I could do it exactly, uh, but I'll try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo!" He said, "Emo, you have to go over to the school psychologist." I said, "Why do I have to go to the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition.

And I go over to the psychologist, and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Oh, it's kind of embarrassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something, so don't be embarrassed. Tell me what the inkblot looks like to you." I said, "Well, to me it looks like standard pattern #3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he gets kind of depressed. I said, "Okay, it's a butterfly." And he cheers up. He said, "What does this inkblot look like?" I said, "It looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of man into a vortex of sin and degradation." He said, "No, um, the inkblot's over there. That's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh," I said, "was I far off?" He said, "No. That's the sad part."

And he gives me a chocolate Easter bunny. And this shows how tricky those guys are. I eat the chocolate and I think, wait a second... this isn't around Easter. "Was this a test?" He said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Well, had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal; had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex; had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies; and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." I said, "Well, go on. What does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream, 'Stop staring at me!'?'" He says, "It shows you've a tendency towards self-destruction." I said, "What do you recommend?" He says, "Go for it!"

__________________
<html>
<center>
<b>
<font face ="Verdana" size="2">RhymeVantage
HipHopRoots
</b>
<font face="wingdings" size="6">FBJ
</font>
</center>
</html>

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Once I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver," and the guy said, "look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go tho this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I -- finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone...

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid ... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. The list went on and on. She's very beautiful. She has a heart-shaped face -- not like a Valentine's heart, but like a real heart, with the veins and the arteries...

My girldfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...

__________________
<html>
<center>
<b>
<font face ="Verdana" size="2">RhymeVantage
HipHopRoots
</b>
<font face="wingdings" size="6">FBJ
</font>
</center>
</html>

emo must be from UK

haha, Emo got it goin on, funny voice, is that that dude who did the voice for that parrot in alladin

Damn, this was some goofy shit right here... LOL ... Some of them would be good usage if your ganna get ya ass beat... LOL

__________________

www.emophillips.com

lol..

yeh he is funny, but his voice does get annoying after a while. lee evans or peter kay r better.

Jay Mohr is funny too. . I saw him on comedy central last night. . He did a soap thing that was hilairious

.......never thought I'd use this picture......

Attached Images

emo.jpg (37.6 KB, 18 views)

^LMFAO!!!!

...He, He...