Disappointment...

My life spells doom, as I sit in a hotel room
Battling with my future...which in-tells doom
No hope, so I inhale fumes that take me away
Away from a slow decay, eating my soul today
I’d have chose to pray, but god just dumped me
&, then I notice a man sitting across from me
He noticed me at the same time, & it came time
For our profane mind to release contained lines
That pertained times when I still had a spark
So I begin to approach him, slowly in the dark
The anticipation is slowly growing in my heart.
And as we grow closer, I begin to see his figure
Somehow, a bit of comfort is what this triggers
His skin is dark.........as dark as the nights skies
As dark as me....match that with his bright eyes
His presence seeps of a deep seated contrast
And His skin contains remnants of a strong past
A past of so much potential, that was gone fast
Then he suddenly makes eye contact with me
So I await his intense speech, very contently
But then he tenses up........and clinches his fists
What intention is this?...
Is what I wonder, as he just stares through me
He jerked as if to punch...
I slightly flinched as his actions confused me
Then his fist completely loosened and he broke down
Crying continuously, I could see his soul drown
I feel like I could just fold now..seeing his doom
I spray glass cleaner on the mirror in front of me.......
..................... and finish cleaning this room
-------

I’ve got eight more rooms to clean tonight. I don't have time to weep.....

-Archaic

Some newbs might not get this, but it's a true story. At 17, i was a highschool dropout, cleaning hotel rooms for a temp service; Dissapointed in myself. I'm in college now, but this is a part of my life that i like to keep in the back of my mind. Please drop feedback, I will return the favor.

And arch rises.

*edit*

this was a decent little piece...good flwo,good scheme..and I like the content..not bad..not bad at all...peace..

Creative approach on the content..
Went with a good flow on a nice structure.
Alot of quotables..
Keep writing.

Stop sleeping

good piece man, as was said good flow and all but i didn't like how you used the same word to rhyme with its self, such as :

I’d have chose to pray, but god just dumped me
&, then I notice a man sitting across from me

but other then that it was good man, i liked it. Just try and avoide the same word rhyming. Check my 2 drops if ya will.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111615

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111585

Good peice...damn this shit was ill...
everything was on point...but the imagery and concept were the illest...
ill drop...

keep spittin...

check my battle...

^I don't have enough posts.
All other favors have been returned.

This was an alright drop, I liked the structure. Alot of people have a hard time maintaining a decent structure, but yours was excelent. You had some alright wordplay, maybe work on vocab, and imagery. But other than that, this was a decnet drop. Keep it up hommie, got alot of potential...

Please return the favor and peep " Insecure "... the link is in my sig. It would be much appriciated hommie, be sure to give me some good input, aight hommie...

__________________

^Returned the favor.
Uppage.

Yea i read this yesterday but didnt get a chance to leave FB an i musy say it was great.....i love the imagery......i can literally picture it an thats what i look for on drops........definatly worth the read.....keep up the great work......and hit me up when you drop something new...peace!

i liked how it was a story peice
not too much shit on here can stay on topic the whole way through
disapointed in repeated rhymes sometimes, but other than kept it real thruogh out
nice peice

^Thanx...
I already peeped your drop...