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Old 03-22-04, 06:00 PM   #1
swank
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Posts: 14
my first, constructive criticism plz??

IP:

just sittin in english wishin i could win this/
without reliable wack practice/
i need to learn this mathmatics/
relax its just a test and i only request/
that you take the gun away from your head/
so you can try to walk a stray from your dread/
i cant stop thinking about equalibrium/
you cant stop freaking at that stupid **** you bum/
next time i meet you, i hope i dont see you geeked too/
so sit back and rewind/
this is my first and wont be re-rhymed
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Old 03-22-04, 06:20 PM   #2
demolish
Suspended: Cheating
 
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Posts: 189
From: chicago 26 street
IP:

that was tight.
keep that shit up and youll become ill as hell.
try to have creativity in your punches.
if ya dont know what i mean go and check out my shit on open mic.
peace
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Old 03-22-04, 06:28 PM   #3
swank
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Posts: 14
IP:

thanks meh i wrote it in english haha(wack ass class) teacher so messed up
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Old 03-22-04, 06:35 PM   #4
demolish
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Posts: 189
From: chicago 26 street
IP:

i feel you.
fuckin teachers are just fuckin takin up time check some of my shit on open mic
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Old 03-22-04, 06:59 PM   #5
swank
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Posts: 14
IP:

anyone else???
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Old 03-22-04, 07:20 PM   #6
Gambino
....Trunks R 4 Bodies....
 
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Posts: 523
From: newark,NJ
IP:

that shit was good
but you could improve on the punches but all around it was good
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Old 03-22-04, 09:49 PM   #7
swank
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Posts: 14
IP:

thanks meh, i'm still workin on punches
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Old 03-22-04, 10:08 PM   #8
P.R.O.P.S.
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Posts: 8
From: 316 Wichita, Kansas
IP:

Nice shit, could be longer though, ill be on the lookout for more
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Old 03-22-04, 10:14 PM   #9
swank
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Posts: 14
IP:

thanks i'm mostly puttin freestyles in the cypher(disses n weapons)
although i did write this one straight off the top of my head
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Old 03-22-04, 10:45 PM   #10
swank
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IP:

.......
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